Faith over fear

“Fear is the absence of faith.”

As the day of leaving nears, I am having mixed emotions. “Is this for me?” “Is this what I want?” “Will it be worth it?” are the questions that I have to deal with on a daily basis. 

I have spent my life savings for this, studied so hard, fought tooth and nail to remain enrolled. To say the least, I have put everything in my power for this goal and redirect my sail to this one objective. My mom keeps on asking me, “Do you have to go?” and when I think about leaving my ageing parents, I can’t help but second guess if it really is the way for me.

The “what ifs” quadruple. 

What if I leave and something happens? What if I leave and experience poverty? What if I don’t achieve what I am hoping for? What if I am pushing myself so hard when I can be content with life as it is?

These what-ifs make me think about what matters. 

This is not the first time that I am leaving. I have spent much of my 20s overseas. Alone. But why does it get harder? 

When asked about a turning point in my life during job interviews early in my career, I can’t think of anything other than graduating college. But with this another adventure, I know for a fact that this is it! This is the greatest turning point because it’s all or nothing.

To say that I am calm and relaxed about this move is a lie. In fact, I am anxious. I am afraid that I’d get the same episodes of depression and loneliness from my previous experience. I learned that as much as I am okay with being alone, I cannot stand being alone for long. That place is too far from home and it scares me to feel so alone in a far away place.

However, I always go back to the beginning of this journey. I declared that when I get an approval, it’s for me and when I don’t, it’s a sign that I’m not meant to be there. I always hold on to this thought. I know it’s worth the shot. More than the finances, I hope to be fulfilled. I hope that when I get to think about this move a few years from now, I’d have a smile on my face because I feared for nothing.

I pray that God continuously steps in and this pursuit, no matter how long and arduous the process is, becomes mine. Mine to be happy about. Mine to be a piece of achievement. Mine to be a testament of God’s unending love and promises.

Fear is the absence of faith. I need to be reminded that whatever happens is already in the lines of my palms.

quick update

Hi!

It's been more than eight months since my last post. It could mean positive things, right?

I realized, over the last few years, I only update mostly when I am sad and lonely so not updating would mean that I have been having a good time. 

I am not writing now because I am feeling particularly down. In fact, it’s the opposite. 

I have been super busy juggling between work, school, errands and minutest social life, if any. 

I have vowed to be busy and I am! So I couldn’t really complain. 

Quick update, I have lost a few pounds and gained some more, started my no soda vow (I don’t know just how long I can keep it), read medical research about food intake in my free time (for example, is yakult etc good as an everyday drink?), I started applying keratin on my super dry hair in the hopes of revitalization,  what else?

Oh vaccinated! It is important to put things in good order. I like to follow my priorities. I stay home most days because I am too much of a COVID conscious. I don’t want to risk getting COVID and infecting the vulnerable members of my family (Seniors and nephews). 

On things that I haven’t achieved yet? Well, I still want to start painting but I find it expensive haha. I still want to take web design courses. I still want to try long distance driving. There’s a lot more that I want to try but most especially, God willing, to fall in love.

Before this gets soapy, to anyone reading this…

Life may not always be how we wanted. Sometimes, we think so hard in selecting choices and ending up not getting what we deserve. Sometimes, we give our all and get nothing back. Sometimes, we bring in our A-game and still end up losing. But HOPE. We need to hope that someday, somewhere, the lines will align and what we deserve, what we hope, what we envision, will come to us. No question. 

new school

I am currently enrolled in a Canadian College taking up three subjects for one term. I feel happy to finally put myself out there and get another degree. There are differences in the levels of learning but perhaps this is due to the circumstances that I am in.

First, with COVID-19, I am taking up asynchronous courses. These courses are not "real-time" and it is quite advantageous for me since I have a job to keep plus the time zone has a big time variance. 

Second, I noticed that the manner of course deliverance is "independent" meaning, students are expected to do everything by themselves. If they have questions, then that's the only time they ask for assistance. unlike our local college, where every instruction is supervised, professors in my Canadian College only asks for the output. It depends on the student whether they reach out to the professor or not because professors would not check out on you every time.

Third, I noticed that with online education, colleges are so conscious about plagiarism. Every essay requires a "turnitin" system whereby the essay is checked thoroughly for copy-paste issues or even ideas which are similar and un-cited are marked. With this strict plagiarism rule, students are required to cite everything, no matter how little the idea is, even if it's your own work.

Lastly, I noticed that students are making every effort in class. There's no competition other than oneself. Every student is responsible for his/her own grade, so everyone does their best to submit on time.

While I already graduated from a local university, it made me remember my efforts back then because I am doing exactly the same, if not more, now. The method of learning is different but my being a student is the same. I am giving my best efforts, doing my best in every single essay or quiz there is because studying in Canada is so damn expensive! 

exaggerations

I scrolled Facebook and saw how happy my friends’ posts are.

I’ve seen their husband, kids, and the little things they do as a family.

 

I’m not going to lie. Seeing those, I began to feel a familiar ache deep within me. I wondered whether I will have the same fate. I wondered whether I can be as happy as I perceive them to be with all the settling down and blossoming family life.

 

I closed my Facebook app and switched to Instagram. I saw the same thing. I saw smiling faces of celebrity couples lounging at home for quarantine. I saw newly engaged Demi Lovato. I also saw the other Demi, cheek padded as she just had a wisdom tooth removal surgery and Tim Tebow was capturing that moment. I even saw my close friend, having the time of her life with her new beau.

 

In that moment, I began to feel uneasy.

I know, we need to be happy for someone else. I always inject that in mind. But I cannot help myself from feeling uncomfortable. To put it bluntly, I felt a tinge of bitterness in my mouth.

 

What is wrong with me?

 

Seeking to find a neutral mindset I opened Google and searched for inspiring words.

 

“What’s yours will always come your way.”

 

Yes, right! I vehemently agreed.

 

“Be happy about someone’s success. Everyone has their own time.”

 

I pondered more heavily on that.

 

It is so easy to count the blessings of others and compare myself to them. I sometimes forget that there are perhaps few others who would give everything they’ve got to exchange with mine.

 

While I am anxiously comparing my life, I forget that I have so many things that I have that others lack. I may have 300 grapes, 200 apples and 0 strawberries, and I focused so much on the strawberries while I have 500 other fruits with me!

 

I realized that oftentimes, my biggest enemy lies in my mind. I feel negative emotions because I let my mind to it. The anxiety towards everything that I think I lack is easily elevated to make me think that I am empty.

 

It is in these exaggerations that makes everything extra heavy.

 

With these thoughts in mind, I opened my socmed apps again.

I felt lighter. I feel that we only show what we want to show so it is but right to see what we only want to see.

how's and why's

I am a force to reckon with.

I can be very passionate. I can be very strong.

I can take storms and dance with the waves.

I am happy knowing that I am resilient enough to withstand whatever it is that I am faced with.

I always try to be at the top of my game.

BUT…

Along the lines of control and enduring without breaking…

Along the swells of the waves and never drowning…

In the middle of it all, I lose that one thing that keeps me going.

I am so busy with the how’s that I end up forgetting my why’s.

new chance

Few days ago my cousin opened up about lacking of work, I was earnestly listening.

She told me, “I am over age, it’s so hard to find a job”

I truly understand what she meant and it brought me into thinking how I can possibly help.  Her predicament is one of the many factors why OFWs try their hardest to stick around overseas, some unfortunately, despite the mistreatment.

It drowned me to a thought about having youth as a major capital in the work force. But what happens when you quit from one job to transfer to another? What happens when you decide to change the course of your life after 30s? Only a few can because most companies never hire experienced staff for the entry-level jobs.

I remembered my former colleague who was 45 and told me how he wanted to change companies but can’t do so for fear of companies not hiring him. He said he will only resign when he’s hired by another company. He decides to stick around to the company since he was 20.

I am brought to a halt. Surely, working in the company isn’t the only choice. People can reinvent themselves to be their own boss, right?

I had a Eureka moment right there, I need to be successful in my own league to employ people whose chances are wearing thin, or so they thought.

Pondering on what to say, I managed to share my situation as well.

Being an OFW for several years gave me a comfortable life abroad. When I went home, I anticipated my lifestyle change. My savings were spent mostly on bills and necessities. I stopped shopping. I stopped myself from traveling because it will bleed me dry. I had all the time to myself to think of better ways to generate income.

Coming home was one decision that was never easy but it was essential. I didn’t want to regret not spending time with my family. I didn’t want to regret not having a break to sort some things in my life. Therefore, as my time is a great resource, I thought of more productive things to do with it.

My goal now comes to this ---- I want to create opportunities for people. I want to be the one that gives chances, to give a source of income to those whose capabilities are limited by age.

what's up, covid?

Hi!!!

I’ve been out of context these past few days and what better way to blow off some steam than to write it down. It’s funny that it is in these moments that I feel so vulnerably human.

2020 made it possible for people to pause, cancel plans and obviously, stay at home. Gone are busy commutes and invariably busy daily schedules.  Gone are our coffee chats, cafe hopping and dinner with friends.  With COVID, everything seemed to stop. Well, for the most of us who aren’t at the frontlines at least.

This pandemic brought innumerable effects: the lives lost, work termination and the devastating economic crisis looming in, may God forbid. So many things can happen and if we overthink, the negative impacts are far too scary to even ponder, the onset is almost tangible.

BUT… life is about HOPE. In a world of uncertainty, we look past the negativities and focus our time and energy on the “blessings in disguise”, “silver lining” and positivity, in general.

This sudden halt brought time for families to stay together. And when you stay together, you begin to notice the little details such as the aging skin of your parents, the receding hairline, and all other details you seem not to notice because on a daily basis, you were so busy catching your commute to work, even skipping breakfast not to be late. 

When you stay together, you share meals, you talk in dinners and discuss future plans. You begin to realise how aging make your parents look so old but so much wiser. You also cherish all the banters, gleeful boasts and jokes, even at your expense. You realise that with unpredictable future comes the responsibility to savour every moment you’re in it.

Staying at home, also allowed for proper communication to foster. You miss your people and you try to reach out, asking if they’re okay. You even miss people you don’t usually talk to because their presence symbolise normal. Normal is being around people you like and you aren’t fond of, right?

This pause also brought for some skills to be developed. I seem to improve my driving, being the family representative to groceries because my parents are both Senior Citizens and can’t go out. I also seem to improve my reading skills as I read books in some days, just to alleviate boredom. I have some friends who can expertly cook and bake now, whereas they’ve never cooked before the lockdown.

Truth be told, it also allowed me to have the time I need for myself. I watch series and movies that I missed out and when  I get impatient with these series, I switch to watching both baby and dog videos respectively. It never fails to put a smile on my face.

In moments where anxiety creeps in, I always find myself browsing at my old photos. The travels that I have made never fail to cheer me up. With this unexpected halt, it made me grateful for the chances that I took, the risks that I take and the decisions— good or bad, that I made. 

It made me see life in a different perspective. 

While money does not guarantee happiness, contentment did. 

I feel content knowing that I have lived my life the way that I wanted. In retrospect, I feel happy knowing that my life was well spent. It made me inspired to do more things once this pandemic is over.

It made me realise a lot of things. It made me want to fall in love. It made me want to live on the edge, because who knows what happens if I always play safe. It made me appreciate the quality of people that I surround myself with. It made me want to live honestly, sincerely, openly and by doing so, having to admit my feelings, taking the first move, even initiating what I meant to do, but never had the courage to.

While 2020, disabled most of us, it’s a matter of perspective. Spiritually, Emotionally and Mentally, it strengthened me. It enabled me to get past my boundaries and move forward with an earnest heart to work harder, be braver in my pursuits and be comfortable in the idea that what’s meant to be will always, always find its way. To rest my heart and mind in God’s intimate plan. <3