Friendship is spelled with END

As much as we want to take old friends with us to the next level, sometimes, it’s better to just leave them as they are.

I have always been a very loyal friend. The type to make an enemy of someone who messes up with my friend. I’d like to think that that’s just how I view friendships – worth protecting for.

I am usually cool. I don’t take things like everything is such a big deal. I’ve never been that problematic friend with various issues.

However, with the recent friendship situation that I am in, I am reconsidering the type of friend I am and exactly the type of friend I have. As a friend, I am slow to process anger. I get annoyed, yes, but most of my friends don’t really get the gravity of what I’m feeling because I don't show it. Normally, I take a step back and process it on my own.

But not anymore.

I have made a vow to myself. With relationships, romantic or friendship, I would never compromise my own emotions. I refuse to be the absorber. I refuse to be a doormat. I refuse to be the ultimate patron up to the extent of my ruin. I refuse to compromise what I really like just because a certain someone likes something else. I hate that when I do that to myself. I hate that I must curb my own desires for others. And the sad thing is that they don’t even realize that you sacrificed your own for them.

I was told I have this habit of accounting for what I did. Well, let’s just say that I do because someone may have lacked sensitivity. When you give in every time, they seem to think that they’re entitled to it. They're accustomed to you giving in that when you stress NOT giving in this time, you have become "difficult". Friendship is a symbiotic relationship. You give and you take. You do not take everything and think that it's okay because someone is ALWAYS okay with it. There is always a limit to everything.

As I reflected on my relationships, I just kind of think that some friendships come to an end just because you get tired of making it work. You face a certain wall that helps you decide whether the friendship is worth anything to fight for. In my case, I think that I am no longer in my pleaser era. I no longer have the patience and flexibility to bend and reshape myself to fit someone’s idea of a friend.

I have come so far from where I started. I am not the same giddy, goody girl that I used to be. I have my own issues, responsibilities, fears, and anxieties. I have a reality that demands time and effort and I no longer have the luxury of time to do mind games with people. I no longer have the tolerance to wait on someone and be in that zone. I no longer have the aptitude to be in a drama. I have my own problems to solve, my own drama to star in. I demand to pursue things and relationships that help me grow with peace.

As much as I’d like to keep the number of friends as they are. And as much as I’d like to see them next to me on this ride all the way, (And believe me, I always do), I think that some friendships can only take so far. 

Like everything in our journey through life, some friendships take exits, some friendships break down, and some friendships can have flat tires. I am just hopeful that at some point,  these friendships still reach their destination no matter what route they take. 

Childhood on our mental health challenges

“I have mental challenges.”

It’s pretty common especially here in the North American region. A friend and I once had a dialogue about the possible causes of mental illness in a first-world country, such as Canada and we could infer that there are several factors that when you look at it, are intertwined. I want to put a disclaimer here; this is a stereotypical analysis with no proof other than what is observed. This may sound ignorant, but it is what it is, and I do not want to sugarcoat things.

Growing up and being raised in a third-world country offers a stark contrast to the economic and social capabilities of individuals living here. I always think that depression and underlying mental conditions emanate from experiences as a child. It must have been a void that no matter how you try to seal it, sinkhole after sinkhole appears.

For one, I am living in a very expensive city, and with this comes the resources that you need to produce to keep on living here. From an economic perspective, parents work to provide for their children. Sometimes, parents take multiple jobs to afford the life they want for their family. Children are left alone most of the time, hence, having the extra time apart from school on friends and hobbies. These friends can either be productive or counterproductive along with the hobbies, such as being introduced to illicit drugs. Can parents monitor their children 24/7? Unlikely. They’re just too busy! It starts with trying a single tobacco and alcohol then escalates to weed then transitions to narcotics. The pattern is plain and simple to miss.

Secondly, broken homes. According to NIH, adult depression is significantly more common among those with separated parents in childhood (68.1%) than among those whose parents had not separated (53.4%). With divorce in place, separation is more “accessible” (for lack of a better term). I have watched the movie, “Catch Me If You Can”, which was roughly based on the true story of Frank Abagnale Jr. He has this interview about his notoriety, and he mentioned that having his parents separated had a huge effect on him. His parents' separation is something that he doesn’t want as his reality especially when both parents married another spouse. How many children coming from broken homes adjust to their parent’s new partners and some of them have other kids from previous marriages? Emotionally, it will leave children out in the middle while both parents go on to create another. It’s a tough place for children to be in. It’s highly traumatic.

Thirdly, Trauma. Especially when you have experienced abuse as a child or in the past. People have different views of trauma. A car accident, repeated sexual abuse or a verbal assault could lead to trauma. Survivors of abuse may feel like they cannot trust the people around them. With trauma, it is reliving the experience that makes it harder. One single thing could cause a trigger. People would usually find means to forget them thereby leaning to substance or alcohol exacerbating depression.

Lastly, lack of support. Most children feel unwanted or unloved when their parents do not have time to be with them. If missed PTA meetings, games, or bonding becomes a habit by parents or loved ones, children will seek validation and support through other means. At times, children who seek attention start delinquency to get the attention they need.

There are lots of other factors, for sure. But one thing common about these is the idea of hopelessness. As a child, the moral ground is what the adults model for you. If both stand posts are erring and are growing up themselves, what idea of mental stability do you expect them to follow? We all know that life happens and sometimes, things do not work out like we want to. I bet nobody would want a divorce if that were on the menu. However, bringing a child into this world is a commitment, and just because it did not work out with the partner does not mean you leave the child to fend for himself/herself. When you decide to bring someone into this world, it is from start to finish. There are no pauses or breaks in between.

Our childhood experiences are an important part of who we are and what we become as an adult. When we feel loved as a child, we grow up thinking that all children are loved just like the way we were. When a child experiences hopelessness and this continues to be a trend, we can safely assume, it will be dominant in his/her adult life. Ever wonder why celebrities fall into the hopelessness of drug or alcohol abuse even though they reached the highest of peaks? Because no matter how much we achieve for ourselves, we always go back to the basics.

At the start of everything.

Our mind is wired to measure how much we’ve grown from where we started.