Thinking thongs

Invest in experiences, they said.

I just think that this does not only apply to having grand holidays or trying out culinary masterpieces. It also applies to the most basic, most mundane, and most ordinary ways we conduct our business. For me, it happened to be the intimates.

For the grand scheme of superlatives, I would say “conservative”, not plain (because plain means dull and empty and I am neither of those.) I have a rather conservative approach to the things that I’d usually go for. I normally go for the safe fashion. Plain white Ts paired with jeans and a reliable pair of sneakers. Of course, it stretches to common underwear. The type of which you’d mistake it for your grandma’s. But for the first time, I have tread on a rather adventurous style. I have tried thongs!

Never in my wildest dreams, did I spend a minute wondering how I would look in it.

I tried wearing thongs for curiosity. I found it funny, bare bum and all. But thongs, I quite realized offer a different vibe. For one, I never felt so empowered while wearing it. It’s as though I have reached a new level of kickassness. It's like when someone tells me that I wear the same turtleneck every day… Who cares? Underneath it is my dope thongs! Two, wearing a thong gave me divine confidence. I have never been the type to dwell in the mirror and look at my body. I think that my curves are not in the right places, so to speak. But for the first time, I have never been more interested in my bum. I thought to myself how it’s not so bad as I pictured it in my mind. Lastly, thongs gave me an opportunity to be grateful. I have a body and that’s what matters!

Through my thong-wearing activity, I pondered how we think of ourselves as though we’re two-dimensional characters. Like we only ought to be measured by two faces. We allow people to have a say on how we do or look- front and back. Most regrettably are that we allow them to affect us in ways that we begin to doubt who we truly are. We often forget that we are beyond their initial understanding. It is essential to look at ourselves and realize that we amount to something more than what they picture us in their heads. More importantly, it is imperative to understand that we are more than that person in our heads, boxed in the limits of what we are capable of.

We are often guilty of self-sabotage. We compare ourselves to those we think have more than what we have. It’s a constant cycle of looking at other’s plates as full and highlighting our plate’s lack. We refuse to see that having the plate is already a blessing. My thongs taught me to appreciate that I have a body to which thongs can be worn. Isn’t that amazing? 

I guess it really doesn’t take a thrill-seeker to hike Kilimanjaro or dive the great barrier reef to be in for the experience. The same guts are required to try out new undies! Are you up for the challenge of potential discomfort or remain comfortable with your conventions? You decide.

Faith over fear

“Fear is the absence of faith.”

As the day of leaving nears, I am having mixed emotions. “Is this for me?” “Is this what I want?” “Will it be worth it?” are the questions that I have to deal with on a daily basis. 

I have spent my life savings for this, studied so hard, fought tooth and nail to remain enrolled. To say the least, I have put everything in my power for this goal and redirect my sail to this one objective. My mom keeps on asking me, “Do you have to go?” and when I think about leaving my ageing parents, I can’t help but second guess if it really is the way for me.

The “what ifs” quadruple. 

What if I leave and something happens? What if I leave and experience poverty? What if I don’t achieve what I am hoping for? What if I am pushing myself so hard when I can be content with life as it is?

These what-ifs make me think about what matters. 

This is not the first time that I am leaving. I have spent much of my 20s overseas. Alone. But why does it get harder? 

When asked about a turning point in my life during job interviews early in my career, I can’t think of anything other than graduating college. But with this another adventure, I know for a fact that this is it! This is the greatest turning point because it’s all or nothing.

To say that I am calm and relaxed about this move is a lie. In fact, I am anxious. I am afraid that I’d get the same episodes of depression and loneliness from my previous experience. I learned that as much as I am okay with being alone, I cannot stand being alone for long. That place is too far from home and it scares me to feel so alone in a far away place.

However, I always go back to the beginning of this journey. I declared that when I get an approval, it’s for me and when I don’t, it’s a sign that I’m not meant to be there. I always hold on to this thought. I know it’s worth the shot. More than the finances, I hope to be fulfilled. I hope that when I get to think about this move a few years from now, I’d have a smile on my face because I feared for nothing.

I pray that God continuously steps in and this pursuit, no matter how long and arduous the process is, becomes mine. Mine to be happy about. Mine to be a piece of achievement. Mine to be a testament of God’s unending love and promises.

Fear is the absence of faith. I need to be reminded that whatever happens is already in the lines of my palms.