“I don’t want to be with myself. That’s the problem. Because I have so many dark thoughts”, saad nya.
Sabi ko, “It’s something that you should learn.”
“What about you?”, tanong nya.
Magsisinungaling ako kung sasabihin kong okay na ako lang mag isa palagi. Pero hindi mali na sabihin na gusto kong mapag isa. May difference yun. I like having an option. Yung minsan feel mong okay pag you’re with someone or in a group, gumala ganyan. Pero I crave alone time. I like myself. (Parang Narcissistic pakinggan but that’s the truth). I like that I don’t bow to anyone or ask for approval and validation. When I go on my solo dates, I enjoy myself. I barely look at my phone and just take the moment in. That’s the sentimental in me.
Book me a trip somewhere by myself and I’d be okay. I’ll always survive and somehow thrive. While kinausap ko sya narealize kong not everyone has the same demeanor when it comes to being alone. Tinrace ko and I found out that at a very early age, I was pursuing independence.
I have this memory of my Mama and me. Sinama nya ako sa palengke. I was maybe, 5 or 6. She gave me 5 pesos and asked me to buy calamansi. Dati yung vendor would measure it by 100 pieces. Nakalimutan ko na magkano per 100 pcs pero basta, I haggled with the vendor and she gave me more for 5 pesos. I was so happy. I rushed to my Mama and andun lang pala sya nag oobserve. It was probably my earliest memory of my independence training.
When I was Grade 6. Gusto ko sanang kumandidato sa school government. I was getting ready for it then nung nagpapa sign na nung clearance (dapat clear sya of any records bago maging eligible), sinabihan ako nung prefect of Discipline namin na I incurred so many lates. So di ako pwedeng tumakbo sa student government. We ended up our conversation na ako na yung COMELEC chairperson that year. Yes, I volunteered. LOL
When I look back, these memories are the foundation talaga of who I’d become. Whenever people ask me if I’m good doing solo traveling, solo concerts, solo bowling, etc… honestly, how could I not? Early on, I had been trained. Sabihin na nating, it comes natural to me. In fact, I don’t think I have the patience to wait on someone.
One thing din na napansin ko closely is my drive for spontaneity. I plan my future, yes, pero sa mga maliliit na bagay na pwede namang gawin na anytime, I just wing it. I like the thrill of a spontaneous activities. Siguro when someone says, “hey, let’s go to LA next week”, more chances to say Yes than No. I think isa ito sa mga ways na parang nagrebel ako sa sobrang planner self ko.
So balik tayo sa tanong nya, “what do you think about when you’re alone? Let’s say when you’re in a café?”. Ako naman tung nasurprise… sabi ko, “Nothing and Everything, really.” He asked, “Don’t you feel sad and lonely?”. I said, “why?”
For me it’s really about perspectives. Parang self-pity lang yan. When you dwell na kawawa ka, you would become that, exactly. So why would I feel sad and lonely? I always feel empowered. Parang naiisip ko yung scene sa movie na the lead is glowing, blooming, sparkling, yung vibe nya is like declaring “Hello World, Hello People, this is me, I love me!”
While listening to me he said, “I like your mindset”. Nagustuhan nya daw yung positivity ko. I said, “Listen, I have traveled far and wide. I’ve been to fast growing countries and I’ve come from a developing one. Can you imagine how many years it is and we’re still on the developing side? My being here is a gift itself. My reality has shaped how I looked at life.”
And let’s be honest, the more ko nakita yung mundo, the more ko naappreciate yung mga bagay na meron ako. I didn’t come from wealth. I don’t have much either. I’m far from being a rich tita (yung main goal ko) but I guess, I’m just thankful. Kasi hindi lahat nabibigyan ng chance to go after what they want. The more kong naiisip yan, the more thankful din ako sa parents ko. They have equipped me. They supported me in whatever decision I made for myself. They allow me to be me. No matter what.
I told him, “You might want to consider discovering, exploring, getting yourself out there because it is in these moments where we learn a thing or two about ourselves.” Totoo naman. Minsan kasi I feel na we are so hyper focus on being ganito, ganyan when really at the end of the day what matters are the basic things. Yung peace of mind. Yung inner joy in doing things na nakakasaya ng puso. Yung little moments that brightens your soul. Ewan ko ba.
I don’t want to sound like I’m his therapist because I do have my own share of demons din. Hindi naman always okay tayo diba? But maybe what works for me is really day by day gratitude. Yung pag gising ko pa lang, “TY Lord. Salamat po kasi nagising pa ako. Today is a present kasi I am present.”
He said, “I think I like spending more time with you.” I said, “Same, I like spending time with myself too!”
Joke! :P
