prexypinoy to the world

People are not what they seem. Sadly, it’s a reality that we must deal with, no matter how painful this can get. My sister always tells me that I am a black-and-white type of person.  I am resolute in thinking just about the two ends. There was no gray area. I used to be so conflicted with the idea of a gray area. What does that mean? Well, she said, I see the world with firmness. I see the world with only two opposing sides, black or white, good, or evil, etc. I have not considered the gradient, the in-betweens, the undefined. Growing up, I expressed strong opinions, chose between two sides, and settled with one or either side and for that, I got into multiple petty trouble. For the longest time, I have struggled to come to terms with seeing more than I could possibly see, choosing from different spectrums, and possibly settling with the unimaginable. I figured I needed an intervention. And boy, did an intervention come cheap? It did not. I met with different people and shared

I decided to make a big purchase. There was someone who wanted to see the car today, but the seller suggested that we could meet last night, and I agreed. I met with the seller and the first thing that he did was to open the hood. That thing was funny, when I saw it, I just thought it was dirty and lacking any colors. He expected me to check the engine, and pull up the dipstick to check the oils, perhaps? But before now I had no idea what a dipstick was. So, all I did was look at it on the surface. Never touched anything. Then I did a test drive. The car’s dashboard was too wide. I had to slow down and gauge whether I can fit into double parked cars in our street. Then I told the seller that I can hear a noise, but he said, we should try it on the highway. He drove. I can’t hear anything. The seller might have thought I know about cars because prior to the meeting, I asked him several questions. I just asked him the things I remember from reading on the internet like the VIN and Carfax

So Last week was super intense. I had to do two nerve-wracking, make-it-or-break-it exams. To say that it was easy would be a lie. At one point, I wondered how I always subject myself to challenges and yet feel so short of unleashing my own true power. When Heart E. mentioned  “I love it that I am not a hostage to anyone”, I felt that. In my case, I don’t want to be held hostage by my own feelings and fears. I’ve said it then and I am saying it now… one of my greatest fears is not realizing my full potential. I would want to dive headfirst and see if I can survive. And if I will, only then I could say that I have somehow, lived. I don’t want to curb my thirst for adventures just because it’s safe to stay on the shores. And for the longest time, my career has been the opposite of that. I felt restrained. I never tried switching jobs in Singapore because I grew complacent. Why change a routine? I grew accustomed to a lifestyle that adapted well to the job that I was doing. I spend ti