Waking up

I remember the horror I felt.

I was strapped into a hospital bed and made ready for the vaccine. The doctor, with his white lab coat, grabbed the vial and plunged the syringe into it. Laying down, the lights were blinding, and my vision was full of whites. “This is just a booster”, exclaimed my mind while my hands tried to be free. The weird thing was, “how come I would be injected in my left middle toe?”

 I calmed myself down until I felt the syringe deep into my toe. The liquid might have done something to my system. I was shaking uncontrollably and was hyperventilating. At one point, I was there panicking with short heavy breaths. “This could be my last”, I resigned to the fact.

“When I wake up in the morning, love…” There goes my alarm!

Whoo! The relief! It was just a dream.

I slowly got up and said a little prayer. At that moment, I was enveloped with gratefulness.

Waking up is always a miracle. Sometimes when you feel like your current life’s chapter becomes dragging, don’t dwell on it. Remember that not everyone gets the chance to see another day.

The most valuable reject

I’m no stranger to rejections.

Rejections are something that I must go through to grow.

There are rejections coming from personal relations where the first cut is always the deepest. Rejections start during childhood – when my only friend got a new best friend or when my group realizes they don’t need me anymore. It could also be the time when my playmates decide to kick me out of the game. As I grow, rejections evolve into something more. It hides in the face of my ultimate crush finally getting his first girlfriend. It manifests in the relationships I almost had. Rejection is also when, no matter how hard I try to patch things up with someone, things just don’t work as they are supposed to.

 And then, there’s rejection coming from my professional experience. I’ve probably had countless interviews that I failed to pass. For what reason? I have no idea.

I’ve done the good and the bad when it comes to interviews. Good is when I scan and browse the company’s website. Read about what they do, if not what makes them special. I do my research, take notes, and get the context clues for when the interview deepens, all those little details come in handy.

 I have done the bad. Scan the website nonchalantly. Expect nothing more because, from the get-go, my efforts were nothing compared to my competitors. As time passes by, I learned when to expect rejection and when to keep my hopes up. Sadly, sometimes, they just don’t seem to add up. It hurts most when I have given 100% and end up not getting that promotion, not even a step closer to the proverbial ladder of professional success.

 In hindsight, rejection offers awareness. I realize how fate is being played out, it’s unpredictable. I am aware that things may not turn out the way I expected them to. When I confidently say, it’s in the bag, a few seconds after, it really is not. I realize how little details affect the gravity of the outcome. I can determine that in my pursuits, although I have given 100%, it may only amount to 5% in other people’s eyes. Do I have a hold on that? The answer would be a flat no.

 As time goes by, I have learned how rejection offers the opportunity to try again. When things don’t go out as planned, I won’t mope around the idea of not being selected, for the whole day. (Or okay, I may mope for an hour and be done with it) Rejection means I have attempted something and this something may move my mark one step closer to the goal. The mere attempt is already growth because along with it are the virtues that I mustered to make that single attempt happen. It also teaches me perseverance. Do you know that feeling when your shoes are new? You get blisters but the more you wear them, the blisters disappear. You get used to them. It’s tricky to say that I would get used to rejection because that’s not the goal. The goal is always to stand up after every rejection.

 I remembered a dear friend of mine back when I had a really hard time. I asked her, “what made you this strong?”. She replied, “You know, I had so many family issues to deal with when I was younger. The problems I have now do not necessarily compare!” The pitfalls were what our storylines sound more compelling. With rejection, one rejection would not kill you. With plenty of rejections, you either decide to give up or continue and make those your ticket to the long-shot ride to success.

With rejection comes acceptance. This has got to be the most difficult part of the rejection. When you assess what went wrong, what you lack, or what they failed to see in you. With acceptance comes humility that we may lack something or is not the person they were necessarily looking for. With my rejections, I learned to accept that while I may not be enough for them, somewhere, somehow, I may be more than enough for someone else.

Thinking thongs

Invest in experiences, they said.

I just think that this does not only apply to having grand holidays or trying out culinary masterpieces. It also applies to the most basic, most mundane, and most ordinary ways we conduct our business. For me, it happened to be the intimates.

For the grand scheme of superlatives, I would say “conservative”, not plain (because plain means dull and empty and I am neither of those.) I have a rather conservative approach to the things that I’d usually go for. I normally go for the safe fashion. Plain white Ts paired with jeans and a reliable pair of sneakers. Of course, it stretches to common underwear. The type of which you’d mistake it for your grandma’s. But for the first time, I have tread on a rather adventurous style. I have tried thongs!

Never in my wildest dreams, did I spend a minute wondering how I would look in it.

I tried wearing thongs for curiosity. I found it funny, bare bum and all. But thongs, I quite realized offer a different vibe. For one, I never felt so empowered while wearing it. It’s as though I have reached a new level of kickassness. It's like when someone tells me that I wear the same turtleneck every day… Who cares? Underneath it is my dope thongs! Two, wearing a thong gave me divine confidence. I have never been the type to dwell in the mirror and look at my body. I think that my curves are not in the right places, so to speak. But for the first time, I have never been more interested in my bum. I thought to myself how it’s not so bad as I pictured it in my mind. Lastly, thongs gave me an opportunity to be grateful. I have a body and that’s what matters!

Through my thong-wearing activity, I pondered how we think of ourselves as though we’re two-dimensional characters. Like we only ought to be measured by two faces. We allow people to have a say on how we do or look- front and back. Most regrettably are that we allow them to affect us in ways that we begin to doubt who we truly are. We often forget that we are beyond their initial understanding. It is essential to look at ourselves and realize that we amount to something more than what they picture us in their heads. More importantly, it is imperative to understand that we are more than that person in our heads, boxed in the limits of what we are capable of.

We are often guilty of self-sabotage. We compare ourselves to those we think have more than what we have. It’s a constant cycle of looking at other’s plates as full and highlighting our plate’s lack. We refuse to see that having the plate is already a blessing. My thongs taught me to appreciate that I have a body to which thongs can be worn. Isn’t that amazing? 

I guess it really doesn’t take a thrill-seeker to hike Kilimanjaro or dive the great barrier reef to be in for the experience. The same guts are required to try out new undies! Are you up for the challenge of potential discomfort or remain comfortable with your conventions? You decide.