“Difficulties strengthen the mind as labor does to the body.”
Well, Marcus Aurelius had it figured out, I thought. When
you think of it that way, it makes difficulties a powerful ingredient for
growth. It creates a compartment somewhere inside you that makes you feel kind
of normal. Who does not go through difficult times, right?
Difficulties are like a vortex of darkness. You get sucked into
that tunnel. You try to rationalize things, but negative feelings pile up one
against the other. When that happens, you get swallowed by it. You feel trapped
and hopeless.
In mine, I always feel like I am trying too hard for
nothing. I feel injustice. I feel as though I get to bear the brunt of things.
It is both a curse and a blessing to do it solo. Curse because I get to feel
like everything is a one-man show. Blessing because it makes me mentally
stronger. Like what is there to lose other than a mouth (my mouth) unfed?
A few years ago, I had an economic difficulty. It was difficult
to move forward from a job that provided for me. At that time, it was a huge
decision to make because that job was my ticket to stay in the country. Leaving
it meant zero funds, zero capacity to afford my basic needs, and perhaps, zero
ability to pursue my hobbies. Tell you what, it may sound so simple, but the
reality is, that decision was a domino effect affecting all aspects of my life. I had
to move back. I had to get back to square one. Questions without answers arose: “What am I going to do back
home?”, “How would I maintain my lifestyle?”, “Do I need to find a job there?”. It
was a roller coaster of emotions, a to-be or not-to-be decision that was
extremely hard to finalize. It was a battle
between the practical and the idealist me.
When friends asked, “What’s your plan B?”, I go, “Well, I don’t have
any”, it shocked them. It may be because
I’m known to be a planner. I organize events, I plan things, and I write “to-do”
lists. To be fair, it shocked me too. In the biggest of my moments, I didn’t
plan anything after. I just wanted to take a break, more than anything.
When I think about that moment in my life, I now find it
funny AND necessary. It was helpful because I learned so much
about myself in that single episode. As I progressed through life, I found that
as my benchmark. The fear, the uncertainty, the anxiety but also the courage,
the zest, the faith. It shaped me to hope regardless of the odds.
Now when I have similar difficulties, I look back at that
time of my life. And it makes me feel better. It makes me feel less afraid. It gives
me the power to own my life because, oh well, whatever happens, happens. I don’t beat myself
up for not leaving toxic environments or people. In trying to maintain the best
version of myself, I learned to choose who and where I associate myself with.
With similar difficulties now, I get a nudge in the
gut somewhat telling me to rethink the whole situation. It becomes a signal for me to
change. I can change my job, my relationships, or my situation. Or simply, change my mindset. I am confident in neutralizing things because If I did it before, I can do it now or as many times, if necessary. It made me
aware of the value I put on myself more than the external forces trying to wreak havoc within me.
In all of this, I learned to handle my emotions. In anger, it is so easy to lose sight of what is important. In rejection, it is so easy to just give up and never try again. In despair, it is so easy to stay there. But to identify with the emotion or with the situation that I am in is unwise. I am neither my emotions nor my situation. I am just passing through it. I learned to identify with my capacity to weather storms.
Of course, to say that I can easily shake off negativities would be a lie. But like good days, bad days are nothing but temporary. I may be unhappy today but it doesn't mean I will never laugh again. At the end of it all, what stands still is my sense of self-- who I am, not only in the good but more importantly, in difficult times.
