Diffi-CULT

“Difficulties strengthen the mind as labor does to the body.”

Well, Marcus Aurelius had it figured out, I thought. When you think of it that way, it makes difficulties a powerful ingredient for growth. It creates a compartment somewhere inside you that makes you feel kind of normal. Who does not go through difficult times, right?

Difficulties are like a vortex of darkness. You get sucked into that tunnel. You try to rationalize things, but negative feelings pile up one against the other. When that happens, you get swallowed by it. You feel trapped and hopeless.

In mine, I always feel like I am trying too hard for nothing. I feel injustice. I feel as though I get to bear the brunt of things. It is both a curse and a blessing to do it solo. Curse because I get to feel like everything is a one-man show. Blessing because it makes me mentally stronger. Like what is there to lose other than a mouth (my mouth) unfed?

A few years ago, I had an economic difficulty. It was difficult to move forward from a job that provided for me. At that time, it was a huge decision to make because that job was my ticket to stay in the country. Leaving it meant zero funds, zero capacity to afford my basic needs, and perhaps, zero ability to pursue my hobbies. Tell you what, it may sound so simple, but the reality is, that decision was a domino effect affecting all aspects of my life. I had to move back. I had to get back to square one. Questions without answers arose: “What am I going to do back home?”, “How would I maintain my lifestyle?”, “Do I need to find a job there?”. It was a roller coaster of emotions, a to-be or not-to-be decision that was extremely hard to finalize.  It was a battle between the practical and the idealist me.

When friends asked, “What’s your plan B?”, I go, “Well, I don’t have any”, it shocked them.  It may be because I’m known to be a planner. I organize events, I plan things, and I write “to-do” lists. To be fair, it shocked me too. In the biggest of my moments, I didn’t plan anything after. I just wanted to take a break, more than anything. 

When I think about that moment in my life, I now find it funny AND necessary. It was helpful because I learned so much about myself in that single episode. As I progressed through life, I found that as my benchmark. The fear, the uncertainty, the anxiety but also the courage, the zest, the faith. It shaped me to hope regardless of the odds.

Now when I have similar difficulties, I look back at that time of my life. And it makes me feel better. It makes me feel less afraid. It gives me the power to own my life because, oh well, whatever happens, happens. I don’t beat myself up for not leaving toxic environments or people. In trying to maintain the best version of myself, I learned to choose who and where I associate myself with.

With similar difficulties now, I get a nudge in the gut somewhat telling me to rethink the whole situation. It becomes a signal for me to change. I can change my job, my relationships, or my situation. Or simply, change my mindset. I am confident in neutralizing things because If I did it before, I can do it now or as many times, if necessary. It made me aware of the value I put on myself more than the external forces trying to wreak havoc within me.

In all of this, I learned to handle my emotions. In anger, it is so easy to lose sight of what is important. In rejection, it is so easy to just give up and never try again. In despair, it is so easy to stay there. But to identify with the emotion or with the situation that I am in is unwise. I am neither my emotions nor my situation. I am just passing through it. I learned to identify with my capacity to weather storms. 

Of course, to say that I can easily shake off negativities would be a lie. But like good days, bad days are nothing but temporary. I may be unhappy today but it doesn't mean I will never laugh again. At the end of it all, what stands still is my sense of self-- who I am, not only in the good but more importantly, in difficult times.