Oh March!

March represents a lot of things to me.

I’d like to break the cycle but maybe it’s part of my process. Once a year, I am challenged mentally. LOL

Since I am here and since I am feeling this way – the birthday blues – I’d just take this chance to unpack my messy head. It is only in breaking down this overwhelming, interwoven, depressing, unpleasant thoughts occupying my time nowadays that I get to see the bigger picture, hopefully.

First, of loneliness. The more I accommodate the thought, the more it gets stronger. My initial resolve is to move somewhere. Well, I am somewhere. So clearly, this isn’t a question of distance but of assimilation. Of getting myself out there. Of meeting people and knowing them – deeply, openly, and allowing them to also see me.  

Second, of uncertainty. I’ve always wanted to have a family of my own. Thinking about ageing and being unhitched with no viable prospect plus your ovaries ticking… always weighed me down. Don’t get me wrong… it’s not that I’ve got no one telling me they like or has fallen for me… but why can’t I tell them, “Ditto”? I’m on a deadline but here I am, still feeling nothing. Is my heart dead?

Third, of ageing. I know not everyone can reach this age. I am grateful but if I’d be honest, it also scares me. I’m scared to grow old and alone. I’m scared to miss out moments with my loved ones because as I age, they do, too. If I’d be super honest, I’m scared of the imminent possibility of mortality.

Fourth, of poverty. As I age, my expectation for financial stability is something that should be more concrete. It is having solid investments, having the ability to afford comfort not just for myself but for my loved ones and having the capacity to choose. Afterall, that’s what money can buy, freedom – to choose, to have more time, to create opportunities.

Lastly, of relationships. I’ve lost friendships, connections, and communications along the way. I’ve been so busy building my life all over again that I did not have the capacity to check on my people. I’m never stellar in multitasking. I do well when I focus my energy on one thing and move on to another after. I don’t know if it’s even a narrative of ‘me leaving them’ or ‘them leaving me’, but I’m emotional when I think about them. As I age, my circle grew small, and it gets smaller!

When these thoughts hit me at once, it’s like my sanity just says bye! I don’t even know how I truly feel – scared, lonely, grateful, worried, depressed, hopeful, happy? I don’t know. It’s like a roller coaster of emotions. I’m like lifted to the highs only to be dropped so low.

Oh March! But as I’ve always said, “I’ll be alright”. 

In all of these, I’ve never been abandoned by my God and to me, it’s the only comfort that I need. But of course, your “tara kape” is also a good idea. 😊