healthy options

Can I do it?

So the thoughts of going back to law school feels like a good idea. I’m keeping myself busy for something that I am interested in. I feel like it is about time for me to finish what I started.

Of course I know the sacrifices of being a law student. Once upon a time, I am a freshman joggling between my job and school. I get really anxious when the clock hits 5 and we will be having an oral recitation with my Fiscal Professor at 6pm. Talk about never to be late or else you’d never be allowed to enter his class. What’s aggravating is that, when you were marked absent, sure thing, you will be called on the next session and if by chance, you gave the wrong answer, you’d end up standing the whole period. He is the badass.

But really, me being a law student back then, it was just a fun thing. I am never too serious about it. It’s just like something to fill in the gaps after work. I feel as though, I have never really tried hard enough and made an effort to burn my brows (sunog ng kilay) to study for the subjects. I do read but only when there is a recitation or a quiz/ exam coming up. It was never a regular study thing. Unlike my classmates who were intense.

I can say that I belong to a “kind” class; my classmates were really nice to me. Handing me their notes, feeding me information, giving me a heads up when I seem to miss out on my readings. They were supportive to the point of self-hate and self-abuse (because I just tend to copy their case digests without really understanding what the case was about). Haha

If given the chance to continue, I’d like to be much serious about it. I’d like to really dig myself deeper, study the laws by heart. Law school isn’t easy. The fact that not all of those who take the BAR become lawyers; it is reverence to the study.

Ahhh… I don’t know if I have the patience to do it or if I have the ability to be constricted in a classroom again or yes, do I even have the brain cells sufficient for it? There are so many options to go into, for now, I’m taking my time.

wobbly

Fearless.

I could be crazy for thinking about jumping without a harness again.

So I told my closest friends about my plan to just quit my job and look for another one. The idea is simple as waiting to be hired first by another company before I submit my resignation letter, no problem. But here’s the thing, I could no longer wait.

I feel as though I’ve waited long enough to finally reach my decision of bailing out from this company. Believe me, it is never easy. Coming up to this decision is something that I avoided so many times and even brought me to the point of depression.

I am a sentimentalist. I value memories, I value friendship, I value time that I spent keeping up with something/ someone. A shirt for example, would mean so much to me, for various reasons such as it was given to me when I was 12, it was the first shirt that I received after graduation, the day that it was given was the first day of my menstruation… the list goes on, every minute detail, I remember it. I am that. I take so many memories out of an ordinary thing so when someone tells me to dispose it, I really do not have the heart to give it away.

This job, is my first here in Singapore, my second in my lifetime. I am a loyal employee. I value the opportunity and trust given to me, so there’s no way I’d be persuaded to jump off the ship without much thinking. I am a fan of togetherness. I stick around. I always do.

But really, for some major reason, I’ve been dissuaded to continue. I just feel like I am too rushed, too pumped up, too pressured and if this shall go on, I’m going to explode. I hate to think about it but I am nearing the peak.  

Practicality demands for me to stay but what if happiness becomes at stake? You know that moment when money becomes the reason to persevere, it makes me live but makes me miserable as well. For what good is keeping up something when it doesn’t make you feel alive? For what good is enduring when you know you’re never going anywhere?

For now, I certainly feel like it is the best time for me to move forward. I know it’s impractical, irrational, irresponsible or perhaps, suicidal, but really, what’s there to fear when I have overcome so many already?

2014 is a year to be fearless. I’ve been through a lot of dramas in the past; I’ve always been on my toes,

gearing up the battle head on, and yes, almost always lonesome. No matter how wobbly my knees or how cold my palms are, or how my mind killed me so deeply that I always succumb to feeling helpless, I always get on my feet, standing my ground, showing as though no one will scare the hell lot of me. I am strong at least I believe I am. Now, it’s showtime!