thought bubble

It was one windy night, I was in our village and we saw each other sa kanto, ana daw ko, “o asa ta mukaon?”

Then they have varied replies. Ana ko “ok sige sa lachi’s rako, feel nko mukaon og cake”. They all went to the opposite direction and I went on my way to lachi’s which is adjacent lang. Naisip nako, I should’ve brought a bike.

I went inside and I saw myself in the glass mirror, my goodness! I forgot to change into something more presentable. I was wearing my loose boxers and my underwear garter is coming out. My shirt looks rubbish and I was wearing a hat. I saw familiar faces but I never said Hi because I looked really horrible.

When I went inside, it was like a big patio and the one serving me was coincidentally my former grade school teacher. I asked for Yummy choco torte but she told me it was out of stock. I asked her “naa lage ka mam? Diba Bahrain naman ka?” she replied, “nah gipalitan gain ko ni mama ticket pabalik, dili ko ganahan na mubalik” so I asked her “kay ngano man?” she just laughed and said “ok naman ko diri” so I just bid goodbye and told her  “see you around”

While on my way out, the familiar faces I saw on my way in, smiled at me. I smiled back and hurried my way out. My gosh! It is so dark, I am so afraid to walk home alone.

KRRRRRRRRRRRINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

My alarm woke me up. I was In the state of puzzlement. Of all dreams, why would it be the one that I am afraid?

So on my way to work I formed three concepts:

1)     am I the same girl I used to be? I’ve lived and travelled miles and miles away from home. Left the things and people that I am most comfortable with. Yet, Am I still afraid? Afraid of what? The dark? The uncertain? The unknown? The humiliation?

2)     Is it true that I lack confidence? (my sister told me that the problem with me lies in the fact that I am doubtful about my abilities. She told me that I am not confident enough to get to where I am that’s why I am stuck in the moment) Really?

3)     Am I really anti-social? Seriously? I wouldn’t mind if I eat alone or do things on my own, I am much more effective that way but going different to prove a point, do I prove any? I always thought I am unique but my uniqueness can be a huge weirdo factor. Why not join the crowd? Do I have trust issues?

These thoughts are like bubbles of clouds hanging over my head. I am in the process of synthesizing these concepts. Am I not what I thought I am? Am I becoming a person who I want to be?

Ugh. 

inner peace

You know what I always prayed for?

Inner peace.

It’s not from Kung Fu panda. Haha.

It is the alignment of your heart, body and soul. A sense of contentment.

A taste of pure bliss, not because of a particular rush or some adrenaline kicking in but a deep understanding that everything is temporary. It is that sense when nothing can ever bother you, not a thought, not a worry, nada. It is that sense of calmness that goes beyond the realm of materialism and earthly pleasures. It is that sense of transcendence. A heart that supports the thoughts, a soul that cleanses the mind.

Indicatively, people from all walks of life yearn for something more. A dancer cannot be dancer without looking out for new, popular moves. A rich cannot stay rich without yearning for more money. I guess peaceful people cannot stay peaceful without yearning for more peace, and that is topping it off with that peace that’s from within.

The only way to achieve inner peace is through meditation. Emptying the mind with thoughts and just be one with the inner voice.

The world is too loud and our ears cannot be covered, but isolation and solitude can help achieve a phase of meditation.

I want my inner peace. That is when I do not have to worry about what to eat, wear, where to go. That is when I do not have to think about what the future brings or how long I will last. That is when I do not need to go along with the people that surround me just so; they cannot tell me that I am anti-social. That is when I can be at my most basic self, feeling the most basic emotions without layering masks into my face.

Inner peace… an act of transcendence… the state that I yearn to achieve.

dream home

Privacy.

Davao will always be my home. Even though, ironically, I don’t have a room at our house anymore, why, my mum made a storage room out of my old room. Seriously?! It saddens me that I don’t have a private lair anymore.

I used to hang out in my room (when I don’t feel like going out or when I am in a major saving up for a trip) back then. I have this mini-component with dynamic bass sound installed, I have my TV and what I love most was my desk inside my room. Why desk? Because I get to brainstorm while sitting. I’d drew illustrations, I’d write poems, I’d daydream. And when I study, I can’t be lying in bed or else, I’d never even start to read at all. Hehe

My fondest and most enjoyable memories would include switching off the lights and listening to my favourite jazz and bossa mix-ups while sipping on my iced tea. I’m weird that way. I’d spent nights doing the same thing and I’d wake up really happy the following day. And while I get ready for work, my BG song would always be Rihanna’s Disturbia! It perks me up more that coffee does. Talk about little secrets.

Growing up, I’m not really used to staying in my room most of the times. I’m not like most of my classmates that when I phone them and their mums would answer they’d say, “naa sa iyang kwarto, kadali lang tawagun nako”. Subconsciously, my mum never allowed me to stay in my room throughout the day. I can only relish the privacy during nighttime. Haha

Someday and wishfully soon, I hope to build my own house, have my own private lair. I’d imagine it to be youthful, practical and homey, something extraordinarily ordinary. I don’t care if it’s grand but as long as it’s mine.

When I daydream about it, I really get to be so excited. I want it in a favourable neighbourhood… peaceful, safe and secured. If lot area would be small, then a 2-storey house would be nice. I want to have a wooden stairs that would enable me to see the first floor from upstairs. Mediterranean style with spacious corners. I’d paint it as earthly as possible. I’d want a home that would be empty of so many memorabilia. (Although I’d doubt that) I would want to have a mini garden of veggies more than an artistically landscaped lawn.

Ahh.. Thinking this would make my heartbeat really fast. I don’t need a realization of my ideal, grand and top of the art dream house, I’d just want the realization of my humble, practical, convenient and comfortable home.

And you’d ask me, where it would be? Without doubt, Davao is still the place to be. J