beyond the glitters

You know how common it is for girls who daydream their way to their special day... I am not an exemption.

Of course, I know what I like on that special day. The overall look and the intricate details, I already have a draft.

Who my sponsors and my entourage lineup, however, changes. Why, my best bachelorettes are either tied down or about to get tied. I, on the other hand, have a long way to go and a person to wait. I certainly hope, I wouldn’t wait till skeleton. Never, Lord.

Deep in my heart, I wished I had a serious relationship early on, or perhaps, a number of “explorative” relationships. Those kind of relationships that make up for youth--- foolish, rigorous even wild. I wished I got to taste it, so that by now, it wouldn’t be awkward and perhaps, I’ve learned so much better from those experiences. I have limited encounters and generally, it’s either one-sided or oblivious.

I have guys that I like, some never knew, some pretend not to know, some liked me back. Hooray! There have been guys who liked me too, but majority of them, I am disinterested. I only have eyes where the apple is red and those apples that are unripe or are of different variety, I take no notice. Yeah, that was me, and perhaps, still am.

Relationship is an alien word. Maybe because I never really liked labelling things. It puts too much pressure. I remembered, there’s this guy who wanted me and he asked, “can I court you?” NO. UH. You see, this is a misconstrued line. It’s a NO NO to ask a girl if you can court her. Why, if she says yes, you might take it as if you are indeed in a relationship or has a fat chance for the golden YES. If she says No, it might mean that she rejects you right away.

If she says Yes to you, and says No in the end, you’d probably claim she’s such a “paasa”. If she says No, and ends up No, it might sound mean to you. That she never gave you a chance etc etc. If she says No, and ends up saying Yes, well then, Good for you (but she’s indecisive and would probably be like that for the rest of the relationship) This is a double-bladed, open-ended manner of inquisition. This is, for me, a very silly question. Curious what my answer was, back then, I gave a NO ANSWER answer. To be fair. Haha

I am a misplaced soul when it comes to love and relationships. I wonder how I am able to get a boyfriend myself, when I want something that is VERY HARD to find. I don’t know. I get it, I do over think a lot of things, or yes, I do keep a secret diary telling my fairygodmother how I’d like him to be. Decaf, black or sweetened. Either way, I would not settle for anything less. See? Fool. But for the comfort of giving my FGM a benefit of not having to tire her, I’d like my one and only to be Decaf. Pure blend with the most basic taste you can ever derive from a high quality coffee bean. Hehe

Kidding aside, I think I am now slowly becoming so accustomed with friends getting married that when I think about marriage, I go beyond the details of the wedding itself but what happens after. It troubles me that my thought of marriage is so superficial when I know that keeping the marriage is such a big responsibility. I might be ready for marriage given the chance, but I don’t think I will do it sooner. If not for my fear of not having an offspring, I wouldn’t even marry at all and just enjoy a solid single, carefree life!

For one Marriage is such a big thing for me. While people can just toss around relationship after relationship, I would like to think that it is not the same case for me. I am traditional when it comes to it. I’d like to say the same vow I made, one fateful day, fifty years after, when looks fade, bones brittle and skin sag or when liver cannot take any more than 1 teaspoon of alcohol.

I’d like to look at the same person I married years back, with the same intensity of love and understanding, support and care. The day I married him is the same day I broke myself in two to give him the other part of me that I, myself was never really keen on sharing with my other self, I’m offering it to him, FOR FREE. haha I’d like to see him as my partner in triumphs or defeats, joys and sorrows, telenovelas or boxing fights, in fishball and in steaks, till death do we part. He will be the same person I ran too whenever I am excited over a new koreanovela during our “able” days and I ran too whenever I am excited with a new haplas later on. He will be the one person I’d like to tease because of his new haircut which looks like a joke of a barber and the same person I’d tease because I’m irritable on my wheelchair. He will be the same person I’d love to cuddle after spending the night over a cold beer and the same person I’d cuddle on a very cold December morning.

Marriage is a non-negotiable, compulsory…. For keeps. Good Lord, help me.