of might and right

I learned the hard way that no matter how your insides are screaming, you need to keep it together.

I am candid; I’d blurt out my mind and realize later on that I crossed the line of being tactless. I don’t mean to offend but I end up offending someone because my thoughts are as raw and vivid as my imagination. I need to be vocal about what I truly feel or else, I’d be uneasy. I just can’t be passive and agree even if I scream out NO!

That was me back then. Back when the world revolves around ME.

But then growing up happened. (just give this to me, I promise, walang masasaktan!)

I found myself in a more slow pace… practiced myself not to react almost instantaneously. I tried so hard to listen more. After all, they say that you have TWO ears and ONE mouth for a reason. I reflected. I learned that the best way to enjoy your independence is to be at ease with yourself, regardless of the environment you are in. If there’s nothing that can be done to an influential environment that sucks up your vibrance, change it. What is company in the eyes of the lonely?

I learned passivity. It can be good sometimes. Those moments when a friend tells you about a conflicting idea and you just swallow it, no need to refute, debate or argue to no end. I just grew accustomed to thinking that my opinion does not necessarily need to be broadcasted. Yeah maybe, I call it exclusivity while they call it being secretive. It can get tiring to always want to be heard, let’s try silence then.

I am focusing myself to a deeper level of connection. Or so I thought. (At least? Yeah?)  Perhaps, I am expecting more. More of the relationships that I am in and  more of the person that I will be.

I am never perfect but I try my best to be better than the person I am a year ago. Temptations are everywhere and I find myself criticising, exercising my freedom of expression to an extent. But we know those are with limits; along with it is still the value of RESPECT and RESPONSIBILITY. You are responsible for your words, you are not responsible for their understanding but isn’t it better to find peace more than pushing to be understood? I wonder.

My biggest challenge as a social individual, is to shy away from gossips, lies and words that are more lethal than weapons in warfare. Funny how things are sometimes, when I am itching to ask something but decides not to because it doesn’t feel right. And seriously, By avoiding gossips, especially in an atmosphere of work and friends, I feel more at peace but sometimes, anti-social.

People will ask you regarding someone and in all honesty you’d just reply, “I don’t know” to me, it’s like hitting two birds with one stone, you don’t spill the beans that you are not supposed to, PLUS you know you’re being honest not to know anything. The down side however, is feeling left out.

I truly believe that our actions reflect who we are and it eventually come around, if we are one of those who goes around the room to gather info, whispers to one another and stares at the subject, aren’t we also prone to be the one stared at?

Recently, I was taken aback because a relative told me, “Lovely, you are different!” so I asked why am I different, then she replied, “NR ka!” I just smiled. Hmnnn… how do I explain that I do not want to add a spark into the burning pit anymore? How do I explain that my way of comforting is not to add but to lessen, or yes, to neutralize.

Perhaps, I’ve changed… somewhere along the road, I was able to realize how peace works on someone wonderfully. I used to be reactive and all that active… I still am in one way or another, but my challenge keeps on, as much as possible, I do not want to be involved. My mom always reminds me, “walay kumo sa magkinabuhing matarung” and I would ask her to expound, she would say… live right.

We all know choosing right is not always that easy, you have to sacrifice what feels so right just to be right, you have to forget the one that you truly like to remain right, there’s just so many obstacles in achieving righteousness… and we fail at least 50 percent of our attempts but ultimately, what I want is simple… I just want to live happily, freely, beautifully. Away from the stressful chain of words and lies and a plethora of biases that abound.