breathe again...

To be part of something…

I have always been comforted by just staying at home alone. I do so many things, I write, I read, I surf the net, I even indulge in some doodling and water- colouring. I do variety of stuff when I’m at home.

Growing up, I used to experiment a lot, there’s this one time when I saw a rubber figure (the free ones that you get when you purchase a hotdog? The one that you put as a pencil topper) and had it on my face to know if it stays (thus sucking the skin), I had 4 of those which I equally positioned in the four quadrants of my face… then the day after, I went to school.

I entered the room and my barkada laughed at me. I did not know why. Then they asked, “why do you have four circles in the face?” I had no idea why it became so visible all of a sudden! I truthfully answered that I tried the toppers on my face and they laughed at me, thinking I was really weird. I was that and more. haha

When I think about doing something, I do it. No buts, no whys, no sense. (Most of the time) So to be able to feel a bit of suffocation from all these solid friendships, completely opened my eye. I think that I completely forgot how it is to be comfortable in being alone, in the true sense of the word, that I begin to summon friends to be with me or stay.

I forgot how it is to live with ease in knowing that I can do things more efficiently when I am alone. I can focus. I can build and rebuild a project because I wanted to. I forgot how it is to calm down in knowing that out there, my friends are busy too. I forgot to be contented with my own charms that I begin to develop anxiety attack, as if I am in a competition.

I do not want to be that kind of a person. I am my own person. I am independent, a cross-over of a modern-traditional woman who knows her capabilities and possess the vigour to spread her sparkle. I am Me. I prized myself for my beliefs and principles in life. I know who I am. I know what I can do and how far I can go.

But… at once I am swept to the idea of confusion. Who am I? Who was I? Who am I supposed to be? I find myself in the gray area. The knowledge that I am alone scared me. I feared I’d be left out. All of a sudden, my links of connections, friendships and networks became a blur, as I feel that I am incompetent on my own.

Truly, I have been taken aback at this realization. I found myself lost in the idea of losing myself. When I think about it, I feel that I have began to slowly disintegrate as a ME and try so hard to connect with someone so I can be whole and do not feel lonely. And the worst thing of it all is that I realized, I have been the hindrance to my own growth. In knowing that the very people I come in contact with are the same people that I have been with for the past 10 yrs or so of my life.

There is no wrong to that, but exclusivity demands too much. I realized that in order to grow individually is to go out there, meet new people and not be shackled in the comfortable circle that I have since day 1. I need to participate in life. I need to be a part of something so I can build the confidence that I lost due to being too comfortable.

I am slowly mending the pieces, I thought I have matured enough to stand by my ideals, turns out, my ideals are just too constricting, stifling and needs a resolution so I can be able to breathe again.