insecure

INSECURE?

The thing is I have never been the insecure type. I grew up with the attention and sufficient love from the people around me. I am secured with what and who I have. I may not have everything but I am fortunate enough to feel contented and to me, that is enough.

In recent years, I have chased dreams and put myself to risks. One after another. I have made decisions; I solely, am responsible for its consequences. I can say I come out strong from it.

But in recent episodes of my life, I have begun to develop anxiety.

It came as a shock, that now, I am feeling these emotions.

Could it be the hormones? (As it did to my blemish-free face ? Could it be the society’s pressure? Could it be just me feeling all worried without sense?) I DON’T KNOW.

For one, the idea that I will be left out overwhelms me and drowns my sanity. I have moments when I feel EXTREMELY lonely, bored and anxious.

Socializing stresses me so much. I always remind myself to get out there, meet new people, make fun memories… but the more I think about going out, meeting people, I feel as though I am subjecting myself to an unnecessary push, unnatural and very imposing. It makes no sense.

I have developed an epidemic of feeling depressed. That is, when an idea, no matter how you categorize as pure imagination, becomes the basis of reality.

I found myself LOST more than EVER.

I have spoken my feelings to close friends, but I still find myself trapped in my own limitations. I found myself feeling naked, exposed more than I intend to be. I feel that no matter what, I only have thy self to sort this problem out.

Then I have spoken to a friend who’s into the professional field of mental health, while it comforts me to weigh my options and be given advice as to who I need to see about it, it embarrassed me to even think about therapy. Am I insane? (I mean, I know I am a little crazy, but crazy fun, not crazy as in insane!)

Thinking about it makes me feel like there’s no one who can help me but myself.

I have made resolutions. I even think about living alone. Why, because I used to be alone a lot and I was fine and being with someone constantly made be dependent and as much I love the company, I feel that I am asking too much. While being in Singapore cannot enable me to have a room rented all by myself… I thought about other ways… (which is still in progress)

Also, I have developed insecurity. Of thoroughly comparing myself to someone as if I’m in some kind of competition. That is totally NOT MY STYLE.

I have never been the jealous type as I am a BIG believer of harmony. And for me to be feeling jealous? OH GOD! This is the worst!!!

But perhaps the most important thing is to think only of the positive. I need to quit thinking about things that did not even happen yet. Also, I need to be busy. In any way I can, I need to harness energy from other people, inspire creativity, be my cool self in the face of struggles.

I do not need to conform. I do not need to push too hard. I don’t need to be like everyone else. I need to be ME. I need to be free. Most importantly, I need to follow my heart and be happy.