schadenfreude

Schadenfreude.

N. pleasure derived by someone from another person's misfortune.

Admit or not, we have a tiny little spot of hesitation to be happy about other’s success. Why, because we compare in parallel to our own success, our growth and progress through life.

I admit I have been quite strange in the past months. I am emboldened by the desire to be first in everything. I wanted to be the best, to be above par. I want to be that girl whom I think is cool and ideal. She’s up there.

Sadly, because of this desire, I have been to a dark hole where everywhere I looked seemed too stifling and empty. I have been trapped by my own set of borders, like a dumbass juggler adding more props to the already overboard performance.

I realized that the more I crave for perfection, the more I become far from it. I thought it was fun at first but it was so dragging, the boredom crept in and I lost the idea of who I really was. I was swallowed by frustration and what made it worse was the anxiety, in thinking that I’ll forever remain in that state.

In the process of chasing my goal, I have lost my balance. The ability to think positively despite the setbacks. The ability to remain calm despite the pressure. The ability to be still despite the uneasy feeling coming towards me. To be at peace within myself, my thoughts and my words.  I have lost the most basic part of being me, my confidence.

I looked around and see nothing but people around me levelling up their games. I was looking through sad eyes where hope has gone to the pits. I have never been so lonely. I didn’t know where to go. I want to scream out my anger, disappointment and frustration. I want to ask why? I have to know. I just have to let it all out. You see, I have hit rock-bottom and no one knew except me.

And while I was battling my personal demons, I pitied myself from feeling so low why, almost all of my friends are jubilant for their life’s breakthroughs.

Then a friend asked me, “Are you too bored that you’re making up problems even if you don’t have one?”

Life is never easy.

It hit me. I was Overthinking. Overreacting. I was going too fast, claiming so soon, when none of my concerns are urgently real. I was getting to a point where everyone dared not to go because from there, it was a downward hill. Indeed, you can never put a stop to plunging down and getting yourself scattered all because of your useless assumptions.

I was brought into a halt when I felt I was about to explode. It is useless to go into a war without trying to win the battle. I had to at least try to resist defeat. To stand up where I fell. To shake off the dust and dirt and feel unabashed despite the bruises. I had to do something for myself. Because no one can save me but Me.

I admit, these are recurring personal demons. These are imminent and when it strikes, it just kills off my happiness from 100 to 0, in no time. I might look cheery and positive from the outside, the power of these demons are sometimes really too strong to counter so I resign in isolation.

To judge someone at their highs without knowing how they struggle to fight their lows, is something that I personally try to digest.

In the end, Someone’s fortune does not make me unfortunate, in the same way that their misfortune cannot make me fortunate. So to compare myself to others is not right because at the end of the day, we are fighting our own battles. What we see as a simple result took time and complicated efforts behind the scene.