Why do I
write only when I am feeling something out of the ordinary?
Forgive me
for adding noise to the already loud world.
Perhaps
having your birthday in days’ time always provokes you into thinking some
things about your life. Which by the way, I have been successful at evading
until now.
Now that I
am about to be shucks…29! *cough* I feel that I need to recreate in my
life in such a way that it would be pleasing to my ears, to my heart and
especially to my soul.
Believe it
or not, I feel that some of my life goals are put on hold because I kept on
waiting for it. I ALWAYS wait. I feel guilty to leave things behind so I tend
to always come back to where it started. I’m talking in riddles, yes?
I am in Singapore yet my mind goes back to the Philippines. I
miss everything about home except traffic, heat, exhaustion and slow government
agencies. It’s like having my best foot two steps ahead of the other so I sometimes
lose balance.
My sister
asked me, “what’s your plan?” and again, my mind flashed RED. I am dreading
this question because every time, I’d look stupid for trying to answer as
confidently as possible.
“I don’t
know.” I replied. There I said it and again, I know I sounded dumb.
Five years in
retrospect, I had my life in black in white. A twinkle in my eyes appears as I
look far ahead. “I will have this, have that, be this, and be that.” And true to my words, some of the “I have this
or that” has been achieved. The “I’m gonna be this or that” well, It’s safe to
say that I’m still in transit. I am in the process, a series of elliptical
appears.
Alongside the
goals in life, is the personality that I am honing myself into. Tough times
taught me to keep calm but it did not save me from feeling sorry for myself
once in awhile.
While I try
to remain strong in challenges, I also feel just exhausted to keep trying to
win. I could’ve said “F*ck it, I’m going home” but where is home?
Home is the
people that have your back, but more so, it is thy SELF.
Yes, home
is what makes you rest, keep you in peace and it starts within you.
Home… is knowing
that no storm or earthquake can ever break you. Home is keeping focused despite
the noise around you. Home is feeling safe despite the threats that surround
you. And to be able to achieve that, the calmness, security and solid
foundation should be rooted within you.
I choose to
refuse listening to people who only notice my flaws and what I completely lack.
I choose to refuse being the subject and eventually the medium to negativity.
I choose to
be steadfast. To know what I got and believe that I got it better.
At 29, I
don’t want to pretend in anything I’m not. I owe it to myself to be honest to
how I feel, what I think and what I believe and to take responsibility for it. I
don’t want to give up what I think is right so I can fit in. I’m done with it.
I’ve been very considerate to the point of self-destruction. I cannot hinder my
growth by sabotaging my happiness.
I want to
be someone who knows herself damn well.
I am
extraordinarily driven to do the things necessary for growth.
