Precious

“WHAT DO I WANT TO DO IN LIFE?”

And I began to read the article I found in one forum.

Millennials asking themselves this question can be a bit of a burden.

I, for one asked myself this particular question every now and then.

The thing is, we can never be ready about certain aspects in our lives, no matter how we plan it.

Most of the biggest events in life is somewhat relative to pure chance, pure coincidence and the end result of the choices that we so randomly make.

When I was younger, I used to think I am smart—smart enough to know what I’m doing and what I’m gonna be doing after University.

I mocked people telling me about  the “REAL WORLD” as I used to hear it so frequently.

I hated the idea that there is a separation of the academic world and the real world.

To me, the world is the same, it requires hard work and integrity.

I just dreamed of a simple life, one that I religiously go to, from 8am to 5pm every day.

I just dreamed of a life where I am with my family in most days off work. I started that life right after college.

I had that path right after college graduation (or even before as I have been offered a job before I actually marched in March.)

I started loving my job and the people that comes along with it. I made friends, I had a wonderful time at work.

But along the way, I got veered to an idea of what I really wanted to achieve.

My thought was “IF and WHEN I stay, I would never have the courage to make changes later in life”

There’s this complacence. There’s this comfort, and it will never let you leave.

I have heard so many remarks from various people, it  all boils down to them calling me a “daredevil” (perhaps, just the polite version of calling me “stupid”)

Why, I have been employed by a big company, I have a regular job, my future is bright if I stick to it.

But Alas, I bid goodbye and just go with my gut. Bahala na.

Did I listen? No. Not because I don’t want to but because I fear I might agree with them.

.

And to me, that “bahala na” decision, is the greatest turning point in my life.

Here I am, five years after my grand Exodus at my first job, in my hometown.

I have lived my life for the past five years, away from my family, away from the comforts of home.

I have made and followed my own rules, pursued what I think was best.

‘I’m having a great time” is an understatement.

But Sometimes, when I think about how temporary life in the overseas is, I can’t help but think about the same question:

After this, what happens? What do I want to do in life?

If I be honest, it brings me to an inner turmoil, one that I so thoroughly avoid.

But avoidance can never get you anywhere, it just let you piles up heaps of unwanted thoughts, making it boil inside you like a plague of lava waiting to erupt. I’ve been there.

Thankfully, I’m better at things these days.

Somehow, I  have made peace with this idea in my mind.

It no longer poses threat of depression or anxiety. It’s just a plain question out of curiosity.

There are so many options to choose from.

It’s just that, our mind shortlists only what is popular, big or loud.

I have come into terms that having a concrete idea about what I want to do, is not for me.

I have learned that there are people who plan and people who don’t. and people who belong to the latter don’t necessarily mean they lacklustre.

People who leap usually don’t have a concrete course of action.

These are people who don’t want to be confined in a pre-determined action.

These are people who are flexible enough to ride the tide.

People who have the actual “balls” to call the shots.

And I belong to it.

I don’t want to set limits for myself.

No matter how temporary this is, I don’t want to see the end point because I always believed that as long as you’re alive, life keeps rolling like a film of endless scenes.

I want to be someone who tests her endurance, someone who goes as far as she can, someone who makes use of what she has to be somebody she’s ever dreamed of. She is Precious, after all. J X