him from yesterday

Today, I was tempted to check his profile on Facebook.

How can I check someone’s profile that I so undoubtedly blocked few years back?

“How is he?”, “What is he up to?”, “Where is he at the moment?”

Questions that I am curious about.

It’s been years since we last communicated. It’s been years since I detached myself from him completely.

I can still remember the day, I received a call from a friend telling me about him.

And as always, I tried so hard to sound disinterested while my chest was pounding so heavily.

There were so many stories about him but I seem to forgot everything the moment I heard about him having a girlfriend. The familiar pang of pain consumed me.

My young heart scattered into pieces and Every time I check his profile, I’d feel nervous. I feel like the pieces gets pounded into the minutest.. The more I see him, the more uneasy I become. I can’t live with that so I have made a huge decision that day, that is, to erase him out of my life completely.

With that decision comes the truth of finding my way back in, of practicing seven hundred times over how to react with a mere mention of his name in front of our friends, of getting interested to some other guys, of getting myself look cool even with a broken heart and best of all, of wishing him good luck on his LOVE life.

Days came by so quickly. I was fast to becoming “busier” every time he texts and “unavailable” every time he chats. I was bored at the thought of maintaining friendship with a bitter gut. I just couldn’t do it. Or more like, I grew depressed and hopeless of the supposed plot of OUR story. The “OUR” story that I am now convinced, I just fabricated by virtue of mere imagination and some hallucination.

Perhaps he grew tired of reaching out to me as well that I get messages from him less and less. Or maybe, he got busy with his new found love until we ended up with not communicating at all. I can see his feeds and one day I just hit block. I knew I could never undo so I just kept it like that.

Years have passed and I can still remember him. He may not be the tall and lanky guy with a boyish grin that I intensely adored and have now become manly and strong. But I am quite sure of how happy he is now as he embarked in his new journey through life.

We still aren’t friends in Facebook but I still hear about him from friends.

Perhaps time heals all wounds, I do not need to fake my reactions now. I am genuinely happy for what he has become. I do not cringe at the possibility of talking about him either but I have never spoken to him from eight years ago.

While I wanted to say “hello”  and ask him about what and how he’s been up to, I just couldn’t bring myself in to send him a message. So today, I’ll hold back. In another time, maybe I’ll have the courage. For the meantime, I hope he’s doing well, I hope his happiness will have no end and as for me,  I’ll always be his silent supporter.