new school

I am currently enrolled in a Canadian College taking up three subjects for one term. I feel happy to finally put myself out there and get another degree. There are differences in the levels of learning but perhaps this is due to the circumstances that I am in.

First, with COVID-19, I am taking up asynchronous courses. These courses are not "real-time" and it is quite advantageous for me since I have a job to keep plus the time zone has a big time variance. 

Second, I noticed that the manner of course deliverance is "independent" meaning, students are expected to do everything by themselves. If they have questions, then that's the only time they ask for assistance. unlike our local college, where every instruction is supervised, professors in my Canadian College only asks for the output. It depends on the student whether they reach out to the professor or not because professors would not check out on you every time.

Third, I noticed that with online education, colleges are so conscious about plagiarism. Every essay requires a "turnitin" system whereby the essay is checked thoroughly for copy-paste issues or even ideas which are similar and un-cited are marked. With this strict plagiarism rule, students are required to cite everything, no matter how little the idea is, even if it's your own work.

Lastly, I noticed that students are making every effort in class. There's no competition other than oneself. Every student is responsible for his/her own grade, so everyone does their best to submit on time.

While I already graduated from a local university, it made me remember my efforts back then because I am doing exactly the same, if not more, now. The method of learning is different but my being a student is the same. I am giving my best efforts, doing my best in every single essay or quiz there is because studying in Canada is so damn expensive! 

exaggerations

I scrolled Facebook and saw how happy my friends’ posts are.

I’ve seen their husband, kids, and the little things they do as a family.

 

I’m not going to lie. Seeing those, I began to feel a familiar ache deep within me. I wondered whether I will have the same fate. I wondered whether I can be as happy as I perceive them to be with all the settling down and blossoming family life.

 

I closed my Facebook app and switched to Instagram. I saw the same thing. I saw smiling faces of celebrity couples lounging at home for quarantine. I saw newly engaged Demi Lovato. I also saw the other Demi, cheek padded as she just had a wisdom tooth removal surgery and Tim Tebow was capturing that moment. I even saw my close friend, having the time of her life with her new beau.

 

In that moment, I began to feel uneasy.

I know, we need to be happy for someone else. I always inject that in mind. But I cannot help myself from feeling uncomfortable. To put it bluntly, I felt a tinge of bitterness in my mouth.

 

What is wrong with me?

 

Seeking to find a neutral mindset I opened Google and searched for inspiring words.

 

“What’s yours will always come your way.”

 

Yes, right! I vehemently agreed.

 

“Be happy about someone’s success. Everyone has their own time.”

 

I pondered more heavily on that.

 

It is so easy to count the blessings of others and compare myself to them. I sometimes forget that there are perhaps few others who would give everything they’ve got to exchange with mine.

 

While I am anxiously comparing my life, I forget that I have so many things that I have that others lack. I may have 300 grapes, 200 apples and 0 strawberries, and I focused so much on the strawberries while I have 500 other fruits with me!

 

I realized that oftentimes, my biggest enemy lies in my mind. I feel negative emotions because I let my mind to it. The anxiety towards everything that I think I lack is easily elevated to make me think that I am empty.

 

It is in these exaggerations that makes everything extra heavy.

 

With these thoughts in mind, I opened my socmed apps again.

I felt lighter. I feel that we only show what we want to show so it is but right to see what we only want to see.

how's and why's

I am a force to reckon with.

I can be very passionate. I can be very strong.

I can take storms and dance with the waves.

I am happy knowing that I am resilient enough to withstand whatever it is that I am faced with.

I always try to be at the top of my game.

BUT…

Along the lines of control and enduring without breaking…

Along the swells of the waves and never drowning…

In the middle of it all, I lose that one thing that keeps me going.

I am so busy with the how’s that I end up forgetting my why’s.