The Ant

I have always been trying… trying so hard

Trying so hard to control things.

In school, I give my all. I like school because I can see visible results in the form of grades. I like that when I do my best and spend sleepless nights to draft, write and re-write papers… I get good results. But sometimes, not. It makes me feel demotivated.

In my relationships, I give myself. I give time, money and effort to be present. I give friendships time to connect, reconnect and relive the good old days. I invest in friendships. I make sure that I am a call away, regardless of the distance. 

At work, I give 101%. No, make it 120%. While I like showing up, work sometimes do not give me the autonomy to be creative. I know I have the potential but work only requires compliance and not creativity. I like to work but I don’t like the things that come with it. The deadlines, the daily grind and above all, the minimal room to showcase what I actually got.

In all of these, I think that I put myself all in. I make the adjustments, sacrifice some things and push myself to achieve what I aimed to do. However, oftentimes I succumb to exhaustion. You know that feeling when you climb so hard and yet never reaching the pinnacle? It has always been like that for me. I feel like I try so hard and still do not reach what I truly envisioned.

I used to think that I got everything planned out. What I want, I can imagine it. I can taste even the drop of celebratory champagne. But… imagination and reality hits differently. When frustrated, I go back to that tunnel-like limbo. Why am I doing this? Is this what it really is? Will my life only amount to this? 

I know some of the best things in my life has not happened yet. I am yet to fall in love. REAL hard. I am yet to marry, to have kids, to create a little family of my own. I am yet to own a house, my first car, my first stocks. It makes me really excited to do and have all these. However, I feel like my hard work is at least worth 10 kilometers forward but in the end, it still amounts to 500 meters. 

What is exactly my point here?

My point is,  sometimes I may relentlessly work so hard to achieve my goals but I may never realize what I envisioned. And that is okay. It is okay because there will always be something better than what I imagined. The best will be worth the wait.