selfish

I don’t want to give.

It may sound so egotistical but there would come a point in life wherein giving wears you out. I am not talking solely about the material things that you could provide but the time and effort you freely give to someone.

I read a random quote on the web and the particular line struck me: “Match my efforts”. It triggered a mental response right away. I am used to initiating communications, organizing meetings of sorts, and making sure that someone feels involved. The more I did it, the more it cemented the role as my regular. I was happy doing it, so I did not mind it until recently.

Communication is a two-way thing. It won’t work if I eagerly reach out and do not get a response. But I wondered, does it have to have a response? Do I really have to initiate communication? What if I just keep quiet? When I don’t hear from you, maybe it’s just the way things are. I don’t mean that friendship requires constant communication because I have good friends whom I do not talk for months and when we do, we remain close. But if the non-frequent communication with friends always starts with me, what’s the point?

Matching the efforts means not always doing the giving but also receiving.

I may be too amenable to all my relationships. For example, when someone wants yellow and I like red, I give in to choosing yellow in the end.

Oftentimes, I get asked last about my preferences because they’re used to me saying, “Yeah, it’s okay”. I am used to saying, “It’s okay” and that it sometimes becomes my auto-response. I don’t like being fussy so “it’s okay” is a perfect answer. But when I think about it, is it really okay?

I don’t like feeling greedy and pushing my choices. I couldn’t stand the guilt I feel every time I get my way while knowing that someone’s choice was rejected. So, I give in. I choose what someone chooses because it makes them happy.

Why do I do that? It chips off a little part of myself to always give way to someone’s preferences than mine. I realized it might not be healthy in the long run because gradually a series of little chips off would consume me whole.

A close friend once told me that my best trait is my selflessness. I was surprised. I didn’t know I was selfless, just amenable.

If you ask me, I don’t like being selfless. I hate to do the leg work. I don’t like unrequited efforts. Thinking about it, it sets a tone for my future relationships. And I would be honest to say that it doesn’t look one bit convenient. It becomes a one-sided union wherein I get emptied and the other overflowed.

I don’t want to continue the habit of sacrificing my own desires. I know it will dent my mental health.  I don’t want to continue suppressing myself and making others’ needs the priority. I want reciprocation.

I don’t like having many regrets so the best way to do so is to live my life, my way.

I want to be selfish. I want to prioritize my own. I want to look at my plate and see only what I like.