Say hello to your Uber driver

YAYYYYYY!

This is so surreal. I have been tensed since Sunday. The tension was severe that whenever I think about today, my hands and feet were cold in two seconds. No kidding.

I know I am lacking in so many aspects. First, I learned later in life. Second, I barely drive. Third, this fear. And so, I’ve been making illustrations of traffic lights for me to remember.

Come Monday, I was completely nervous. I reached out to friends, talked to coworkers, and asked for luck and importantly, prayers. At night, I did not want to burden myself with last-minute studying, so I just made myself busy doing my art. When I lay down in bed, I prayed continuously that I would be guided with wisdom. As I slept, I was going through simulations in my head. As a result, I barely slept.

Come D-day, I was surprised to wake up calm. Calmer than ever. I made coffee and sat for a little while. I quickly scanned through my notes and proceeded to freshen up.  I did an hour of practice before the exam and my instructor, Ruby, told me that I drove well. My parking was amazing, and my mistakes were barely noticeable. I did not want to hope too much so I just smiled and said, “Hopefully, I’d maintain it with the examiner”.

I was instructed to park in Bay 5. I had to go out of the car and do some paperwork. I went to the washroom and said a prayer or two about staying calm and remembering everything I learned from the past lessons. I head back to the car and did a quick pep talk with myself. “You cannot change what is bound to happen” echoed in my head. “Indeed, this is the point of no return!”, I muttered.

And then the examiner introduced himself. He asked. “Are you ready?” I replied, “Yes” with a big smile on my face. This is where “fake it ‘til you make it” comes in to save the day, I thought. We did a prep test on signals and brakes. Then he got in and sat next to me. He asked for parking brakes to which I answered somewhat scripted. Blame it on my instructor, who always does this stuff! Then the examiner told me that we can go. I breathe in and breathe out, this is it!

As we approached the sidewalk, I did my full stop and he motioned to turn left. We veered onto the small streets. He asked me to turn right and turn left on various roads. The thing is, I am more confident in driving small streets because I always drove onto shortcuts and alleys back in the Philippines with tricycles, baskets, trash bins, and what-have-you parked on one or either side. I did my signals, and mirrors, and exaggerated my shoulder checks. Trust me, exaggerating shoulder checks is the norm for exams!

I don’t drive on highways back home, so it takes a long time to be comfortable driving into one here. Then he motioned for me to drive into the highway. When he said, to turn left on the stop, surprisingly, I did not feel the panic that I usually feel. I even had the chance to glance at the clouds, with rays of sunshine trying to break into them. The rays are much like me, in this situation, I contemplated. I am trying to break a mold trying my best to pass an exam where my instructor told me I had a 50-50 chance. As I maneuvered, everything just kind of made sense. I can clearly proceed on my left without one bit of hesitation.

Then the examiner told me to turn left to the small street and there I kind of felt, “Okay, I may have this in the bag already!” Few more turns and I was surprised to be heading back to the ICBC office. He told me to park the car in the last slot. I did. He then told me, “Congratulations, you passed!” I smiled and thanked him. I can’t believe, I passed. Me? With a 50-50 chance, passed?

At this point, I am elated. I am very grateful for this privilege. I never knew I had it in me. When I came back to the office, my coworker greeted me, “How was it?” I told him, "Say hello to your new driver!" We both laughed. LOL

You need to calm down

“What will be, will be.”, says my coworker for whom I have confided how tensed I am.

I have never been more nervous than tomorrow’s exam. I have done bigger exams like my IELTS or CELPIP which had a huge impact on my immigration status. But nothing compares to the thought that I am coming to an exam less of myself and more of an uncertain examinee. Although to be fair, I did employ an instructor and took six lessons, I still feel short of the skill.

My instructor told me, “I have to be honest; you have a 50-50 chance of passing, do you still want to go?” Stubborn as I am, I told her, “Yes, I cannot delay it any further.” It’s bringing me back to my Freshmen years when one failure had defined my entire college and one opinion had me doubt the entirety of my capability. So, when someone says, “You are not ready” I don’t necessarily believe them. It’s like me proving to them that the mold they procure was nothing but empty shackles to me.  It may be plain stupidity or natural curiosity on my part, really, but I want to experience it firsthand. The nerve-wracking element is given, for sure. But between thinking about failing and tasting failure, at this age, I’d have to say, I would taste failure and learn from it.

I thought about a long list of my mistakes. It’s a little something that I always forget like shoulder checks or signal lights on and off when changing lanes. But the bigger issue that I have yet to resolve is my confident left turns. I always found it hard to do left turns on big streets because I must be hyper-alert when to do it. Apparently, this city does not have a designated left green light all the time and to do it successfully, I must rely on gut and timing. How hard could it be? To some experienced drivers, it’s easy. To me? I always feel scared that my timing would be wrong.

My coworker explained, “What’s the worst thing that could happen? Fail? That’s a small issue. You can do it again.” I wanted to interject and say “No, to cause an accident” but having this thought is me saying that I am preparing to fail 100% -- no buts or ifs. So, I kept quiet. Then he goes on to say, “You cannot change what is bound to happen.” And at that moment, I felt a click. Somewhat the universe telling me to just calm down and go with it. My fear cannot change things. My fear, instead of lifting me up, will be the perfect ingredient for disaster.

Compartmentalizing this fear and anxiety, I want to believe that this fear is healthy because it keeps me in check with my reality. It keeps me grounded about having goals and overcoming my inner turmoil to achieve them. I thought about the decisions that I’ve made thus far. Before moving to this city, I had the same exorbitant fear of the unknown. Had I kept on playing safe, I wouldn’t have reached new heights. My sister’s words were, “What’s there to fear? You cannot even afford a car!” Funny but that’s true, too. LOL

Amidst it all, I may be putting too much pressure on myself. I may be putting stress on a supposed drama-free activity. Taylor Swift’s “You need to calm down” echoes in my mind. True, I need to calm down. What will be, will be.