You need to calm down

“What will be, will be.”, says my coworker for whom I have confided how tensed I am.

I have never been more nervous than tomorrow’s exam. I have done bigger exams like my IELTS or CELPIP which had a huge impact on my immigration status. But nothing compares to the thought that I am coming to an exam less of myself and more of an uncertain examinee. Although to be fair, I did employ an instructor and took six lessons, I still feel short of the skill.

My instructor told me, “I have to be honest; you have a 50-50 chance of passing, do you still want to go?” Stubborn as I am, I told her, “Yes, I cannot delay it any further.” It’s bringing me back to my Freshmen years when one failure had defined my entire college and one opinion had me doubt the entirety of my capability. So, when someone says, “You are not ready” I don’t necessarily believe them. It’s like me proving to them that the mold they procure was nothing but empty shackles to me.  It may be plain stupidity or natural curiosity on my part, really, but I want to experience it firsthand. The nerve-wracking element is given, for sure. But between thinking about failing and tasting failure, at this age, I’d have to say, I would taste failure and learn from it.

I thought about a long list of my mistakes. It’s a little something that I always forget like shoulder checks or signal lights on and off when changing lanes. But the bigger issue that I have yet to resolve is my confident left turns. I always found it hard to do left turns on big streets because I must be hyper-alert when to do it. Apparently, this city does not have a designated left green light all the time and to do it successfully, I must rely on gut and timing. How hard could it be? To some experienced drivers, it’s easy. To me? I always feel scared that my timing would be wrong.

My coworker explained, “What’s the worst thing that could happen? Fail? That’s a small issue. You can do it again.” I wanted to interject and say “No, to cause an accident” but having this thought is me saying that I am preparing to fail 100% -- no buts or ifs. So, I kept quiet. Then he goes on to say, “You cannot change what is bound to happen.” And at that moment, I felt a click. Somewhat the universe telling me to just calm down and go with it. My fear cannot change things. My fear, instead of lifting me up, will be the perfect ingredient for disaster.

Compartmentalizing this fear and anxiety, I want to believe that this fear is healthy because it keeps me in check with my reality. It keeps me grounded about having goals and overcoming my inner turmoil to achieve them. I thought about the decisions that I’ve made thus far. Before moving to this city, I had the same exorbitant fear of the unknown. Had I kept on playing safe, I wouldn’t have reached new heights. My sister’s words were, “What’s there to fear? You cannot even afford a car!” Funny but that’s true, too. LOL

Amidst it all, I may be putting too much pressure on myself. I may be putting stress on a supposed drama-free activity. Taylor Swift’s “You need to calm down” echoes in my mind. True, I need to calm down. What will be, will be.