sick of home

Truthfully enough, I wanna go home.

The idea of seeing home just comforts me. The convenience of having your family around defines me.

I've talked with a friend earlier this morning, had a very pleasant conversation regarding homesickness. I asked her if the feeling is really like this, you know, you feel so alone, you feel bored, you feel less energized. Sigh. I told her, after staying abroad for almost four months now, I feel really battered. I feel incomplete. I feel empty. I feel less of myself.

She then told me, what was the purpose of being there? Isn't it for personal growth? Isn't it self-discovery? I said yes to all. She then told me, "well yotch, let's put it this way, it's very tempting to go home, I know" Then I interrupted,"very much! But why do my other friends feel less homesick like I do? Why do they laugh the hardest as if they're pretty much contented here?" She said "Well then, it just means your family is who you are. You have much tight ties with them, but hey, home is very appealing but overcoming this emotion that you are in, is way way more appealing"

There she had me. Then I thought, this is the same vicious cycle I once had almost seven years ago. Quite frankly, this is somewhat the same tunnel I felt years back, but this time, should I give up? Should I be trodden down by this stupid mind? The problem lies with me and not the situation, so the best solution is the change in me and not the change in situation.

If I can just endure, it will be a way way better life for me. If I can just hang on, it will be blissful. If I can just hold on tighter, I know it's promising. So self, mind especially, please stop overdoing things. It's good that you think but stop overthinking. It's not making my life easier.

Truthfully, the problem is my mindset of going home not the act itself. Because what my mind can conjure, my body can endure! Fight!

lifetime relationship

Don't talk to strangers.

Well, that's what my parents told me when I was growing up. And for some mighty reasons, I still hold that advice. I don't trust someone enough unless I know him/her.

The problem is, minsan kasi I get to be so doubtful about someone's personality. My friend once told me, "You're so choosy" SSabi ko, "how come?" She said, "you choose who you like"... Teka, teka, di ba ganun naman talaga? I told her, I just don't let someone enter my life.

Oo na, mali yun, mali na mamili pero yun nga e, when I was younger sabi ng parents ko, trust no one but yourself, family and God and choose your friends. Di kami mayaman, di din kami sikat, but that's about it eh. We choose people who become part of us. Di naman sinasadya, minsan talaga lumalabas na parang choosy, but isn't it because, mas madali talagang makipagkaibigan kung atleast may common point kayo? Isn't it more comforting kung alam mo at may background ka sa kanya?

Personally, di naman masama na mamili ka ng kaibigan, kasi dumadating naman talaga sa punto na limited lang din yung nagiging kaibigan mo kasi nga you cannot please everyone. I think naman na kung saan ka komportable dun ka, kung saan mo mas feel na maibahagi ang yung sarili, go ka. Di naman yun kasalanan diba? Hindi pinipilit ang pagkakaibigan kasi kusang dumarating sa puntong yun, ahem gaya ng love. (which I will not discuss kasi di naman ako expert)

Anyway, so heto ako still contemplating kung gaano ako ka friendly 'cause seriously these past few months, I think the magic isn't working. I don't talk much to strangers, I don't feel I need to be involved with anyone or even be associated to someone as far as I am new is concerned. For me, liberating na yung nagagawa mo yung mga things on your own, the way you want it.

Yung feeling na you're self sufficient enough to provide kung ano yung gusto mo na result and yung feeling na it's better to be alone and find peace and fun kesa yung nasa crowd ka pero napipilitan kang gawin yung mga bagay bagay only 'cause everyone's doing it. Sometimes kasi it doesn't look so good when you're alone. Guilty tayong magcomment na kesyo nag iisa eh loner na or may sariling mundo, but it's not that. narealize ko may mga moments lang talaga na we're much comfortable kung nag iisa or mas convenient na gawing mag isa ang mga bagay bagay.

Hindi din naman kasalanan ang mag isa. Nasa isip yun. We're so afraid to be alone that we find comfort in hanging out with the wrong crowd. Peer pressure kumbaga. But wait, bakit ba tayo engrossed at concerned sa mga sinasabi ng iba? Bakit ba feeling loser-loseran pag mag isang kumain, mag isang magshopping, mag isang maglakwatsa? Aren't we too old to feel uncomfortable kasi nag iisa? E sa dami ba naman kasi ng kaibigan may mga times din naman kasi na walang mahila.

My point is, hindi nakakahiya na maging self-supporting at self-sufficient kasi yun yung factor na nagdadala sa atin sa pagiging self-made. Of course, social values should be developed but it doesn't mean naman na basta lang may matawag na kaibigan yun na yun. Hindi ganun eh. Friendship for me is a lifelong relationship, inaalagaan, tinetreasure at pinagyayaman with time. Kaya kung ma brand man akong choosy eh bahala na, basta those people I call friends, I know deep in my heart that I chose them and that by choosing them, I have made a covenant na lifetime yung relationship. No expiry date. Yun yun eh! :P

aboard abroad!

Hanggang saan, hanggang kelan?

I've said this before and I'm saying it now... Hindi madali ang mag abroad. Homesick ang matinding kalaban. Ilang buwan pa lang ako dito pero ha, sobrang homesick na ung nararamdaman ko, andun na yung feeling na sinisilihan na sa puwet at uwing-uwi na. lalo na ngayon, magpapasko.

Naalala ko noon, akala ko talaga sobrang sarap lang ng buhay pag nasa labas kasi may naiipon, may package na maipapadala etc. Paano naman kasi, mejo nasanay akong makakita ng mga kapitbahay na nag abroad, ayun, they're the ones na may malaking bahay, may iilang sasakyan, may naipon sa bangko, in short, naging may kaya. Maibiblame ba ako, eh yun yung narinig ko kay Aling Tasing? Kesyo eto si juana, nagpadala ng ganito, ganyan. Ang sarap isipin diba? Natatak sa batang utak ko na ganun.

Mahirap pala. Mahirap ang mawalay sa pamilya. Mahirap ang magtrabaho na hindi masyadong naiintindihan ang chika ng mga co-workers, may language barrier. Mahirap magbudget ng isang buwang sweldo na once lamang binibgay, end of the month. Mahirap makipagsiksikan sa tren na may amoy yung mga kadaupang palad. (please see previous post sa daming hirap)

Pero huwag ka, kamakailan lamang, I think pinabasa ni kapalaran ng sadya sakin at ng may mapasok sa mejo average-sized kung utak... quote, ang sabi, "Don't spoil what you have by desiring what you don't have because what you have now is one of the many things you once prayed for." and looking back, Tumpak si quote! Bakit? Kasi minsan sa sobrang pagnanais na maabot ang ginugusto, todo effort talaga tapos pagnakuha na nawawalan na ng challenge. Bakit ko alam? Kasi ganyan ako.

Pag nakuha mo ang isang bagay na ninais mo, wag mo nang balikang isipin yung pinakawalan mo para makuha ito. nagkecreate ng mixed signals yun, nakakaconfuse kung ano talaga yung mas trip mo. Pero ako, Ewan ko lang ha, ewan ko kung normal or hindi, naeexcite ako sa chasing phase, mapa trabaho o lalake man (ay may ganun? lol)

Kidding aside, sometimes I feel I dream so much that I do everything to run after it, parang super challenging na makuha ang isang bagay na ginusto ko pero pag nakuha ko na, ibang level ng challenge pala. Just recently, I realized ha, ang pinakachallenging pala na phase ng dreaming is the "living of the dream", that phase is when you got what you wanted and your life has been changed.

Seryoso, may mga moments din naman na inisip ko kung gusto ko ba talaga yung winish ko. Ang problema lang kasi, sa dami ng gusto, nawawalan ng focus kung ano ba talaga yung pinakamahalaga. Di maiiwasan may mga pagsisisi, pero syempre life should be about moving forward. Di dapat magdwell sa mga tapos na, ilang tonelada man ng luha ang pwedeng iluha, di na mababalik ang kahapon, walang ibang choice kundi mag move on and to enjoy the present. Kasi nga, not everyone is given the chance to experience what you have. Seize the moment sabi pa ni Captain America!

Don't get me wrong, super thankful ako for everything that I have become. Kaya nga naisip ko, wala talaga akong karapatang magreklamo, o mainggit sa blessings ng iba. Napakaungrateful. Nung nanghingi naman ako ng ulan, bumaha pa, nung nanghingi ako ng sunlight, nag el nino din. So sobra sobra pa sa hinahangad ko yung nakukuha.

Hindi man madali ang journey nato, tanong ko lang, si Albert Einstein ba ay hindi naghirap nung on the process sya sa pagbuo ng E=MC2? Ang Wright Brothers ba di naghirap nung gumagawa sila ng thesis for an aircraft? Eh si Darna ba di din naghirap mapagkasya lamang ung 22 inch waistline pattern nya nung red-blue with a star costume nya?

Hypothetical lang naman. ^^