mouth

Wrong move.

It’s wrong to share heart problems to friends, even close ones.

I’ve never been vocal about my feelings and I should’ve maintained it that way. But this stupid mouth spoke and the words reverberating through and through.

I hate myself for being such a big mouth. Some things are meant to be kept. It’s easier that way. The more you share the more chances of having those things remembered. Why share when you can keep it?

It’s a burden and I thought it’s something more easily to deal with when you share it with your closest friends. But lately, I don’t think it’s working for me. It was a complete wrong. I should’ve kept mum so I’ll have peace.

The thing is I am somebody who’s conscious about my mistakes. I know I made a bad choice but someone shouldn’t shove It to my face, I feel as though I am being judged out rightly. I made the recognition of the bad so I don’t need someone to remind me about it.

I’m hard- headed. I am as stubborn as a bull and I don’t want to be directed upon. So please, as harsh as I can be, I need to tell you this…

I recognize that I was an idiot. It was a momentary lapse of judgment. To be honest, I paid more than what’s due because of that stupid mistake. I don’t need someone to push it in. It was foolish and I was a fool to let it happen.

The damage has been done and I don’t think I am defined by the single mistake I made. I am not prude or anything. I make mistakes by and by. It’s disappointing but it happened. There’s no other way but to move on.

Kung ako nga, trying to fix the pieces dba? Thanks for the concern anyway, but believe me. I thought about it through and through and I acknowledged my mistake.

haist

You don’t deserve me.

I know it sounds a bit idealistic on my part, but that’s what it is. You don’t deserve me and the feelings I have for you, whatever it may be.

Sometimes, it takes a trip to open your eyes and see the reality in zoom in, pan out, fade background and focus subject- kind of scene. I made a trip, and it helped me assess who I am. Thanks to your initiation.

Why do two different beginnings end the same way?

And in both endings, I am left broken and scathed in so many ways. I am the losing end. Always.

I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve feeling like I am not capable of sustaining any romantic relationship.
Alam mo yung, I have tried to make an effort. I’ve gone out of my way to meet someone halfway and yet, it still goes down the drain. I was left hanging.

I am not writing to sour grape and perhaps compare myself to others, but really, sometimes, I feel as though I will never get what or who I want. To the very least, I don’t want to be bitter about it, but I can’t help it. I don’t get who I want who agrees within my terms.

Surely, Life is a paradox. I live to love and end up being hurt. I like someone who likes me back in the beginning but end up with another woman. Someone likes me but I like to have him as a friend and nothing else. Someone loved me, loves me until now but I hate him to his core (or not). Someone wants to be with me but I’d like to be alone.

I don’t understand. I find it incomprehensible in wherever angle I see it.

I’m hurting and I feel pity over unprecedented events particularly on my love life.

To wait. Tell it to the marines! I’m so tired of waiting and every time, it gets me misled. It’s tiring and frustrating.

So they said, be patient, be still, be busy. Whatever!

responsibility

Sense of responsibility.

I’ve been working my ass off for the last 5 years of my life. I’ve been here and there, enjoyed and depressed about tiny fibres of life.

Through the years, I’ve been very careful about the idea of investing. I invested much on memories than the tangible things. I regret nothing about it. I love my life. I live every single day for memories that I accumulate one day at a time.

My realization is this: At 25, I feel that it is the time to invest on something for long-term.

I chatted with a friend and she shared about the car loan she’s having for her parents. Wow! Such a big step. Honestly, I’ve been evasive with loans. I feel as though I am obliged to work the hardest and the pressure would swallow me eventually.

I learned that I am afraid of commitments. I am afraid of being strapped into something I am not sure I’d hold onto longer.

It boils down to one thing: FEAR. I fear for the future. I fear about the uncertainties that come along with it. Now I begin to understand what my mom told me when I was younger…

“We choose not to get a subdivision lot because it’s 25 years to pay and your dad’s job isn’t that stable.”

I would agree because I know the consequences of getting loans. I promised myself not to engage in loans as much as I can. But right now, the idea is obsolete. I cannot acquire something unless I pay for it half of my life.

Which brings me to a point, why should I be afraid of the uncertainties when these are indispensable?

Life is how we make it. 5 years, 10 years, or even 25 years may be too much but time passes fast.

I hope I get to achieve what I want and set aside my worries and doubts. When will I begin? When it’s too late and I’ve got much to regret?