shut me up

I love you!

Words I’ve been longing to say and hear just the same. But every time, I just feel disappointed and disheartened. Boo!

Frankly, there are days when I feel so empty and alone. Those freaking days that make me miss someone who I never should. Then, I look around at people, friends who seemed too solid to be single are those same friends who are now attached. Really?!

I am not closing my doors. I am opening my eyes to the changes around me but most often than not, I am not prepared to let someone enter my life. Why? Fear. For some reasons, I fear that I may not maintain the relationship. I fear about my expectations (or lack of it). I fear about what I need to do and what I do not. It’s obviously a matter of being scared to invest and going down the drain after everything.

I know. I know that it sounds well too idealistic and believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve tried to like someone who persistently bugs me but interest, oh well, if I am not interested, it will never work. I’ve tried to meet new people. I’ve tried to be more sociable. I’ve tried almost to be someone I am not. All of the above never worked out. Obviously.

Am I complaining? Partly yes. Call me jealous but I certainly was flabbergasted upon knowing that a good friend is already in a relationship. Not the kind of jealous that makes me want him for myself. Never. I am jealous in a way that HE actually were able to open himself despite the hot mess he’s made in the past. I thought I had a “kakampi”. I thought he was my solid single counterpart. I felt left out.

This might be way too unprecedented but I am just being true. Sometimes, your thought just haunts you that every morning, you’d take a shower and just think about how boring and cold your love life has become. I thought I was promising, what the hell!

Anyway, we each have our own struggles. Not that mine is a struggle that includes life and death. But too often than not, the more I deny about how I really feel at the moment, the more I feel bitter and confused about what I am experiencing.


Geez! Am I pathetic? Allow me to be one, once in a while. J

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Love you to the heavens

Image
You never realize how much you’ll miss someone until you think about how they wouldn’t be there with you physically, ever. It’s so easy to say that death is a part of life but when that happens, you couldn’t find any motivation for reason not to feel unsettled. Today, July 8 (Monday) at 7 am PST, I received an unsettling message from Papa that Nanay is gone. I called Mama and she confirmed. I went ahead with my regular Monday meetings. Acted as if nothing MAJOR happened. But shortly after lunch, tears escaped me. I couldn’t shake off the emotion enveloping me. The thing is, I thought I have prepared well enough to accept the inevitable. In my resolve, Nanay had led a good life. In her hey days, she was an activist, an ironwoman, wise beyond her years. When I was 12, Nanay brought me to Butuan with her. From Butuan, we traveled to Bacolod via ferry. It was my first ferry ride ever. We then ended in Cebu. I have very fond memories of Nanay. My cousins would go green with envy, bu...
Read more

Diffi-CULT

Image
“Difficulties strengthen the mind as labor does to the body.” Well, Marcus Aurelius had it figured out, I thought. When you think of it that way, it makes difficulties a powerful ingredient for growth. It creates a compartment somewhere inside you that makes you feel kind of normal. Who does not go through difficult times, right? Difficulties are like a vortex of darkness. You get sucked into that tunnel. You try to rationalize things, but negative feelings pile up one against the other. When that happens, you get swallowed by it. You feel trapped and hopeless. In mine, I always feel like I am trying too hard for nothing. I feel injustice. I feel as though I get to bear the brunt of things. It is both a curse and a blessing to do it solo. Curse because I get to feel like everything is a one-man show. Blessing because it makes me mentally stronger. Like what is there to lose other than a mouth (my mouth) unfed? A few years ago, I had an economic difficulty. It was difficult to m...
Read more

how to get a band score 6 and up without a review center

Image
HOW TO GET A BAND 6 and UP IN IELTS WITHOUT HAVING TO ENROL IN A REVIEW CENTER? What is IELTS? According to this site : The International English Language Testing System (IELTS) measures the language proficiency of people who want to study or work where English is used as a language of communication. It uses a nine-band scale to clearly identify levels of proficiency, from non-user (band score 1) through to expert (band score 9). TEST FORMAT There are two types of IELTS. Academic or General Training. Listening and Speaking are the same for both tests, but for Reading and Writing sections, the subject matter is different depending on which test you take. The total test time is 2 hours and 45 minutes. The details description of the test format is found here . I did a GENERAL TRAINING IELTS exam. I registered for IELTS via IDP online. STEP 1: You have to register in this site. Please note you need to upload a valid ID (e.g. pass...
Read more