shut me up

I love you!

Words I’ve been longing to say and hear just the same. But every time, I just feel disappointed and disheartened. Boo!

Frankly, there are days when I feel so empty and alone. Those freaking days that make me miss someone who I never should. Then, I look around at people, friends who seemed too solid to be single are those same friends who are now attached. Really?!

I am not closing my doors. I am opening my eyes to the changes around me but most often than not, I am not prepared to let someone enter my life. Why? Fear. For some reasons, I fear that I may not maintain the relationship. I fear about my expectations (or lack of it). I fear about what I need to do and what I do not. It’s obviously a matter of being scared to invest and going down the drain after everything.

I know. I know that it sounds well too idealistic and believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve tried to like someone who persistently bugs me but interest, oh well, if I am not interested, it will never work. I’ve tried to meet new people. I’ve tried to be more sociable. I’ve tried almost to be someone I am not. All of the above never worked out. Obviously.

Am I complaining? Partly yes. Call me jealous but I certainly was flabbergasted upon knowing that a good friend is already in a relationship. Not the kind of jealous that makes me want him for myself. Never. I am jealous in a way that HE actually were able to open himself despite the hot mess he’s made in the past. I thought I had a “kakampi”. I thought he was my solid single counterpart. I felt left out.

This might be way too unprecedented but I am just being true. Sometimes, your thought just haunts you that every morning, you’d take a shower and just think about how boring and cold your love life has become. I thought I was promising, what the hell!

Anyway, we each have our own struggles. Not that mine is a struggle that includes life and death. But too often than not, the more I deny about how I really feel at the moment, the more I feel bitter and confused about what I am experiencing.

Geez! Am I pathetic? Allow me to be one, once in a while. J