free for all

It takes a lot of courage to pull your self together. It takes a lot of faith to survive a single day. It takes a lot of love to continue living.

You see, it is very difficult to be who we are. It is difficult to assume a role that you would carry through no matter what happens. It is hard to continue rowing despite the harsh winds and rueful waves. But why do we seek out to proceed? Why do we go through it all when we know for sure that everything ends?

Despite the challenges and the little triumphs, we know it all fades. Whatever we have, we own it. Temporarily. So why do we aim to get more when we do know how fickle this life is? A taste of the air up above will never equal to the polluted wind I keep on breathing in most of my life. But I proceed to nurture life…

Perhaps, we’re made this way. We do have an idea where or how it ends yet we’re thrilled to go beyond what we know. Eager for surprises that would make us smile or be weary.  Between the points A and E-nd, there is a series of points for which we call LIVING. We are defining every moment of those points; those points define us in return.

 A good friend once confessed, “…if God would want to take me now, I’d be willing.”

HOPELESSNESS… the true meaning of life is not on how willing we are to let go of what is borrowed but on how we fought to make the borrowed, meaningful.  

We all go through certain phases. We can never compare our own tough times with others’. To be able to wake up and get through the day, no matter how we’re feeling is an achievement. Day by day, it is a challenge to grow. To develop a certain stand on stability and security.

We can never be accustomed to being weak just because we thought of ourselves as WEAK from the very beginning. The more we know and accept what we have and what we don’t is already a tool to determine how we want ourselves to be driven by. “I AM WEAK” yet we aren’t weak enough to take it slowly. One BABY step at a time. Who cares if there are more pauses than the steps? As long as we don’t stop.

We don’t live alone. We are not the center of the universe. Ourselves… should never be centered to our own feelings, thoughts and ideas. Why, the more we take notice of our own, the less chance to see what surrounds us. We lose sight of the things that make us appreciate what we are blessed with because we associate negativity more than positivity.

Who says life is easy? No one did.

So if we look closely, we do have an idea that nobody is guaranteed a stress/ pain/ etc- free life. We all have our own battles for which we either brave to conquer or run away to escape. We all have our own monsters hidden beneath the dark space underneath our beds or intricately designed closets. We all have our own burdens to carry very heavily or lightly. We all experience the same pain and sacrifices depending on the degree of intensity.

Nobody is exempted.

But the bigger question is, why would you want to end it without giving it a real fight? Why would you want to be stepped down when you can pull right back it and bite it as hard as you can? What do we need?

COURAGE. FAITH. LOVE.

ninang

Ninang!

So one of my best girls whatsapped and told me, I am one of the ninangs. I’m glad!

She’s having a baby and I am truly happy for her. Not everyone is given the chance to conceive. Sadly. It’s just amazing that someone close to you, been part of you since time immemorial is finally extending herself to her little one. Wow.

Gone are the days when we’d think about our crushes and girly giggles every time a cute boy passes by. Time has come na we get to assume responsibilities and not just those easily ignored ones, like those that your parents tell you to do but it just enters one ear and exits to the other.

So it occurred to me, I am having so much fun. I am in the time of my life where I can do whatever I please. At 26, I feel as though I am just beginning to live my life. Parang ngayon ko pa na try yung mga things that most of my age are done with. Late bloomer? Definitely!

I would assume that I get to be the last to wed or to give birth although, God knows how much I wanted to have a baby na. When it comes to relationships, I get to be too safe. I don’t want to invest. I get bored. I get disinterested after a couple of conversations. I have so many reasons. I don’t get high in meeting new guys. Why? No one interests me. For now. Hopefully, not for long.

Maaaring di ko pa nga nahanap yung someone for me. Maaaring di pa ngayon. Siguro ‘cause I have so many activities and yes, selfish pa. The world revolves around yourself that you think about your own benefit, own comfort, own convenience. Lahat, selfie pa.

But the beauty about having the time of your life is the satisfaction that you have actually lived. There are so many experiences, so many new things, whole new adventures and you get to try them all. Under your terms, your discretion, your rules. Nice!

Then the friend told me, so ready na ninang ha? Of course! I am so much ready. I’ve ninanged so many already. I’m used to the drill. And maybe someday, after everything, I would be the one to invite naman others to ninang my princess. There’s no way I’d get to be... always the ninang never the mother. In time…

Poor me

Dang it!

Sleepless night last night. There are just so many things running around my mind and I was trying to process them all at once. Needless to say, I miserably failed.

One, I recently talked to a very good friend and we discussed about my Loser life. I hate to say this but I really don’t want to hear the big loser comments. It makes me uncomfortable as hell. I think that we all deserve a chance to experience something within ourselves and that it should not be pre empted with words of advice. Although I do love her with all my heart, but really, sometimes the topic makes me really off and pathetic. Note to self: NEVER talk about it as much as possible.

Two, I thought about you. Yes, the two of you. I began to think of the what-ifs and what-nots. How can I possibly entertain your thoughts when clearly I am out of the picture? I hate it. Super.

Okay, guilty as charged, I intentionally visited your page and I felt the most idiotic state of missing you. Why can’t I just shut you off and move on with my fabulous life? Hay. It’s a pattern of nonsense.

Three, I thought about my missed chances. Especially the one chance that would answer my questions. The one chance that I would open my door up and see how the ball rolls down from there. The one special chance to feel like I have a new life. Finally.

Four, I thought about my path. I know that I am in a curvy path, I can choose to use this as an opportunity to get to my dreams sooner than expected but I can also take a minute to look around me and just enjoy the fresh breeze fanning my face. Where would this life take me? Where would I be months or years from now? Clueless.

Five… And we’re back to number two. I am torn between wanting you and forgetting you and the latter seems to be the ideal. Believe me, I’ve done so many measures on how to move on without looking back. I’ve done mental notes of sorts to make you the worst monster you could possibly be. But why does it always have to be coming back to me much stronger? Shoving you off my life has been a mission I again and again fail. I would prepare myself for the grand announcement. (although I am not sure how to take it.)

At the end of it all, I am vulnerable. I am consumed by my fears and disappointments. I am never drenched with all the pain and sacrifices that I’ve been through. It still hurts. And although, I’ve been keeping it neat and low, It still occurs to me… I need something that goes beyond the realm of materialism. I need something that makes me live this life up without thoughts of regrets. I need something that makes me wake up to a day with hope and happiness that I am mutually love and respected.

In short, I need LOVE!

(epekto sa kababasa ng novels)