Poor me






Dang it!

Sleepless night last night. There are just so many things running around my mind and I was trying to process them all at once. Needless to say, I miserably failed.

One, I recently talked to a very good friend and we discussed about my Loser life. I hate to say this but I really don’t want to hear the big loser comments. It makes me uncomfortable as hell. I think that we all deserve a chance to experience something within ourselves and that it should not be pre empted with words of advice. Although I do love her with all my heart, but really, sometimes the topic makes me really off and pathetic. Note to self: NEVER talk about it as much as possible.

Two, I thought about you. Yes, the two of you. I began to think of the what-ifs and what-nots. How can I possibly entertain your thoughts when clearly I am out of the picture? I hate it. Super.
Okay, guilty as charged, I intentionally visited your page and I felt the most idiotic state of missing you. Why can’t I just shut you off and move on with my fabulous life? Hay. It’s a pattern of nonsense.

Three, I thought about my missed chances. Especially the one chance that would answer my questions. The one chance that I would open my door up and see how the ball rolls down from there. The one special chance to feel like I have a new life. Finally.

Four, I thought about my path. I know that I am in a curvy path, I can choose to use this as an opportunity to get to my dreams sooner than expected but I can also take a minute to look around me and just enjoy the fresh breeze fanning my face. Where would this life take me? Where would I be months or years from now? Clueless.

Five… And we’re back to number two. I am torn between wanting you and forgetting you and the latter seems to be the ideal. Believe me, I’ve done so many measures on how to move on without looking back. I’ve done mental notes of sorts to make you the worst monster you could possibly be. But why does it always have to be coming back to me much stronger? Shoving you off my life has been a mission I again and again fail. I would prepare myself for the grand announcement. (although I am not sure how to take it.)

At the end of it all, I am vulnerable. I am consumed by my fears and disappointments. I am never drenched with all the pain and sacrifices that I’ve been through. It still hurts. And although, I’ve been keeping it neat and low, It still occurs to me… I need something that goes beyond the realm of materialism. I need something that makes me live this life up without thoughts of regrets. I need something that makes me wake up to a day with hope and happiness that I am mutually love and respected.

In short, I need LOVE!

(epekto sa kababasa ng novels)

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