Wreck

The thing is, the more you think about it, the deeper the cut becomes.

I’m trying to handle my situation as coolly as possible but no rationality can shield me from the fact that this is not a nightmare and that, I’d wake up tomorrow remembering the hurt first thing in the morning. I am deeply affected that I find myself stopping in the middle of my random conversations with friends. I am way too distracted that I become bitter of what I see.

Betrayal is one thing. Lack of remorse is another.

My poor heart.

I've never been too emotional about most aspects of my life as I do not want to live in drama. This is real and my emotions are just as real. I couldn't hide the fact that i am a total wreck and that no matter what i do, what i say, my mood just swings from good to worst in no time. I am not okay. If this is what bipolarity seems like then, i am feeling it nowadays.

I'm trying so hard to control my rage. I want to take revenge, to avenge someone and to let someone pay for making us feel the way we do today.

I'd love to say my piece over and over again, even though i know that no amount of bad words can relieve the anger and pain that I am feeling.

I want to ask so many questions but I know most of these questions do not necessarily get a valid answer. And the more i push for answers, the more disappointed i might become.

Today, I went to mass. I don't know what to pray for anymore. This has rendered me speechless in more ways than i ever imagined. So I just sit there, unable to fully construct what I wanted to ask to God. Instead I looked intently at the crucifix, how Jesus has died for our sins and even if He did, how ungrateful we are to commit more sins.

I found myself tearing up, I quickly wiped my eyes. I cannot cry.

I surrender Lord. Your will be done, i murmured.

Amidst this all, i hope to find the purpose. I trust that there must've been a reason for this sacrifice and to that, i am hopeful.

For how long I’m gonna stay like this? Time can only tell.

It's difficult that I’m bearing this burden alone but it makes it more difficult that I do not have the courage to ask for someone's help because I know they will never understand.

I will be deeply scarred after this, that I am sure. But it also means that i have lived the life. And contrary to what others might think, my life has been the same as everyone, full of phases.
Phases that shape up who I am today.

bottled it up

5:55 AM, Sunday, November 6, 2016

thank God it’s still a Sunday!

The night has been so long and I’ve had no choice but to pretend I’m sleeping, closing my eyes, counting sheep endlessly, I’ve done it but reality is that my mind is far from it.

Could this be the iced cappuccino decaf? Or could this be just me affected by the drama that has been going on my life for days now?

I sighed to myself.

No matter how many times I deny, at this age, I still can’t fake anxiety or depression.

And worst, I thought I am better at handling things, turns out, I’m blinded and was just good at avoiding it.

These days, I always find myself in long pauses, distant stares and zoning out. I feel that my body is there but my mind is off to somewhere. And believe me when I say that even feeling so down makes me crack up to a painful experience as if it’s a joke. Weird huh?

I guess when you hit a point whereby you’ve no control over and just take no matter what life gives you, you’ll be deeply overwhelmed by it. You develop a certain numbness.

I’m speaking from a point where drama has not been my cup of tea.

I talked to a friend last night and she told me that being brave is accepting that you are weak sometimes.

I agreed.

For the most part, we are challenged just so we know how long can we stand. We are tested just so we know how far we can go.

6:20 AM, Sunday, November 6, 2016

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I bottled in my thoughts and I wish I can say more.

rarely

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Anger is so intense an emotion that I so thoroughly avoid.

One, it’s not good for my heart, two, it’s unhealthy for my skin and lastly, it’s a mouse trap.

You get angry for what?

I was brought up happy. I had good memories more than the bad. I am blessed.

I keep a positive attitude towards life, I keep cool no matter what season I am in.

But the more I age, the more challenges I am faced with.

Challenges that keep me from maintaining my cool, challenges that provoke the dragon in me.

I RARELY get angry. I don’t mind irregularities much or make an issue out of small ones.

I let go. I let time decide. I go on with life.

But don’t get me wrong, I never said I am a Saint. When I get angry, I tend to go all out.

My mind is so powerful, I can conjure horrible ideas. It scares me. It surprises me in ways I never would have imagined.

Recently, I got a run-in with a past issue that involves a turning point in my life. (I’m not going to be so specific as it still hurts me.) I went ballistic. I wanted to go all out with that damn war. Forget my name, my education, everything that I strive to be… it’s all about making a person pay for hurting someone who means so much to me and more.

I was ready to take the blows but was more than ready to make the hits!

My mind just closed up to the fact that I always take the blow without throwing some and it angers me. Why would I allow people to step on me over and over again when I can do something about it?

Why would I put myself defenceless every freaking time? Why can’t I for once bring the battle on and fight it eye to eye?

When you try so hard to be the best version of yourself, it brings you to a limbo, a limbo whereby you doubt if you’re capable of defending yourself or if you’re ready to take the fall as long as you throw some deep punches as well.

I grew frustrated in knowing that even at this day and age, technology still  got its limits and that involves not being able to be used the way you want it to, offensively.

To be honest, I am still boiling at the moment but someone important to me told me to let it go.

I told her, I will definitely try my best but I cannot promise. I’ll try.

I RARELY get angry, but when I do, everything never makes sense.

It’s not as if I wanted it to be like this but I can’t bring myself down to that level of calmness. Not yet. Not sooner.                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Especially if it is a repeat offender. My tolerance level can be extended for a long time.

I can be uber patient but sure, it’s got its limits and yes, I’ve reached that limit already.

I RARELY get angry but it lasts. I RARELY get angry but I take account.

Again, it’s not as if I designed it to be but I just can’t fake myself to be okay when clearly, I am lying to myself.

I RARELY get angry but this RARITY is what makes it more difficult.

Forgiveness is a long way…