Wreck

The thing is, the more you think about it, the deeper the cut becomes.

I’m trying to handle my situation as coolly as possible but no rationality can shield me from the fact that this is not a nightmare and that, I’d wake up tomorrow remembering the hurt first thing in the morning. I am deeply affected that I find myself stopping in the middle of my random conversations with friends. I am way too distracted that I become bitter of what I see.

Betrayal is one thing. Lack of remorse is another.

My poor heart.

I've never been too emotional about most aspects of my life as I do not want to live in drama. This is real and my emotions are just as real. I couldn't hide the fact that i am a total wreck and that no matter what i do, what i say, my mood just swings from good to worst in no time. I am not okay. If this is what bipolarity seems like then, i am feeling it nowadays.

I'm trying so hard to control my rage. I want to take revenge, to avenge someone and to let someone pay for making us feel the way we do today.

I'd love to say my piece over and over again, even though i know that no amount of bad words can relieve the anger and pain that I am feeling.

I want to ask so many questions but I know most of these questions do not necessarily get a valid answer. And the more i push for answers, the more disappointed i might become.

Today, I went to mass. I don't know what to pray for anymore. This has rendered me speechless in more ways than i ever imagined. So I just sit there, unable to fully construct what I wanted to ask to God. Instead I looked intently at the crucifix, how Jesus has died for our sins and even if He did, how ungrateful we are to commit more sins.

I found myself tearing up, I quickly wiped my eyes. I cannot cry.

I surrender Lord. Your will be done, i murmured.

Amidst this all, i hope to find the purpose. I trust that there must've been a reason for this sacrifice and to that, i am hopeful.

For how long I’m gonna stay like this? Time can only tell.

It's difficult that I’m bearing this burden alone but it makes it more difficult that I do not have the courage to ask for someone's help because I know they will never understand.

I will be deeply scarred after this, that I am sure. But it also means that i have lived the life. And contrary to what others might think, my life has been the same as everyone, full of phases.
Phases that shape up who I am today.