the process of MEcoming...

Thirty…

I walked, talked and balked for as long as I can remember.

Few years ago, I was getting depressed because I am reaching thirty and my life is still as blurred as those xray films.

You see, even then, I am drawn to this invisible thread that pulls me harder to the centre of the convex where there’s no other way but to fall.

Oftentimes, I resist. But most of the time, I psyche myself up. Why am I allowing this?

Why am I being so hard on myself?

People told me, “girl, you’re 30, you will be a spinster!”, “do what you like!”, “go solo”, “be YOU!”

# “GIRL, you’re 30, you will be a spinster!”

Tell you what, with this line, I feel very burdened!

If it’s not about the guy, and it’s not about me, then it’s about who?

I used to be stressed because of this thought.

What’s wrong with me? Am I not enough? What am I looking for? When? How? Why?

And a few more whys.

Of course, I don’t want to be a spinster. Who wants, right?

I mean no offense to spinsters as they are strong and wonderful but it’s just not me.

Not the life that I want for myself.

Previously, I was okay with the idea that I can do it alone. That I alone, is sufficient. That I don’t want to cling on to someone because I can manage. This girl power thing is however, wearing off under my skin. I am showing signs of loneliness. And it bothered me big time. Why?

I recently travelled to Europe and I thought, “whoa, wherever you are, if you’re feeling lonely, the scenic spots would all turn blue, even the colourful tulips!”

And believe it or not, every cathedral that I have visited, I murmured a silent prayer of finding that specific life partner. Lord, please do not let me be ALONE.

Then it dawned on me, why am I feeling desperate? It’s not as if it’s the end for me, right?

I’m only thirty and not sixty. Haha

It’s about timing. And I should anchor myself to the thought that THE BEST IS YET TO COME.

# “do what you like!”, “go solo”, “be YOU!”

Me being here? Is it what I truly want?

The truth is, I developed anxiety over the years.

Was it because of the pressures of my age with respect to my relationship status?

Was it because of the pressures of my career?

Was it because of the thought that I still don’t know what I want to do—for the rest of my life?

Was it because I am investing too much on something and I am expecting something in return?

Questions like these flood my mind. I had terrible nights making me awake until the next morning.

I always take the blame in every question raised above.

It’s easier to close the question if you have a direct answer.

You see, because I find it easier to answer the question blaming myself, I became convinced that it is my fault.

Imagine, you are hungry and you could’ve eaten the last piece of bread to satisfy your hunger but you gave it to someone. That someone never even thanked you. You were left hungry and feeling bad for the ungratefulness. Whose fault?

I’d say it’s mine because the other person never asked for it anyway, I just gave it myself as an act of kindness. I shouldn’t even have expected something in return, right?

With this thought going on in my mind, I struggled so much.

Then recently I saw an interview of Sharon Cuneta. (believe me, I never thought she would be instrumental) She mentioned about, being exhausted by being so considerate at the expense of herself. Bingo!

That’s my answer.

Sometimes, the best way to heal is to be considerate with yourself first.

Saying no and being “selfish” is the kindest thing you can do to yourself.

I think that I am struggling so much to the point of a meltdown because I always tend to give way to someone. Whether out of goodwill or in order to please people, I am not so sure.

My resolution to this is to love myself more. Put myself first. And ignore the people clouding my judgment. At the end of the day, how can i take care of someone when I can't even take care of myself?

As for being thirty… I’d like to believe that I know better now.

And while others are seeing it as a gate to being old and worn out, I see it as a passes to being stable, mentally, emotionally and physically and a ticket to self-actualization.