doublelife

I have been living a double life.

When I started working Papa told me one employee advice he knows for working perhaps, almost all his life… “Be professional. Stay professional.”

He told me that to be able to do that, personal life should be separated.

I wonder what it meant.

When I started working… I knew what he meant by the separation of those 2 aspects.

At work, I am serious, rational, and a bit more of a factory worker who follows exactly what needs to be done.

There are times when I wanted to be more opinionated and voice out my creative ideas but I’m afraid I’d get the boot if it doesn’t work out. I live by the rules in order to be SAFE.

At work, as much as I’d like to show them my goofy, nonchalant and chill side… I don’t think it’s appropriate because chances are, they might not take me seriously when I say something critical.

As much as I’d like my workmates to be closer to me, close friends even, I find it discomforting.

A workplace is a workplace and with work, more issues are prone to arise.

I am friendly but not too friendly to open up my soul.

I especially dislike going overtime because it diminishes my time as being the relaxed ME.

I am living the double life because I have life after work.

When the clock hits going home time, I transform into someone much relaxed and carefree.

I am a professional and my work ethics is solid. I want to play by the rules not because I hate responsibility but because I am just a staff who needs guidance. Without it, a company couldn’t be called a company.

brouhaha

“Am I wrong? Is it bad?”, Mama asked.

There goes her question pertaining to a friend’s son being introduced to me.

Hahaha.

I thought I just see it in KDRAMAS?

I used to love reading and even watching arranged marriages or arranged romance set up by elders that it has become quite a fantasy to me. I never knew there’s this chance of me being attempted to get one for myself.

I find it funny and refreshing at the same time.

To be honest, I am completely surprised that this idea came from my parents’ mouths.

My parents?! Seriously?

I have a couple of things that I am curious about though.

1)      Do they feel I won’t marry at all?

2)      Do they think I won’t get someone to love if I choose it myself?

3)      Are they that worried about me?

4)      Are they expecting BIG about this supposed introduction?

Never in a million years would I think of being arranged to someone but when they asked me…

I laughed so hard in disbelief.

Aren’t we in the 21^st century?

Either way, I am not sixteen anymore and there’s some excitement to that setup.

I am not saying I am all for it but I am not closing doors.

I’m thinking… this isn’t the right time to make a big brouhaha about it anymore.

I even told my sis that it’s just like shoe shopping, you don’t actually need to buy the first one that fits… you go around and check first which one suits you best.

So me, introduced to a family friend’s son?

No problem! J

unsure

My heart ….

What’s with you?

I waited for this moment to arrive but why do I feel indifferent?

Gone was the idea of being excited, refreshed, warm and liberating…

Here comes feeling the need to please, to not disappoint, to carry on despite feeling unsure.

Does it mean that I’m feeling pressured?

Because I have been open about it and people just expect me to take it?

And their expectation is putting me on the spot?

I don’t know.

I’m so confused.

There are days when I feel like I need to shut off everything and just be in tune to my own music.

And someone caring for me, letting me know he’s there… sending me messages and even calling me… feels like a responsibility that I need to respond.

I don’t know.

I don’t know why I’m feeling this.

I’m not sure whether I need to carry on entertaining him.

I don’t even dare open up to my closest circle ‘cause it adds more pressure.

I am so unsure. I don’t want them to think how indecisive I am in this aspect.

The rebel in me wants to escape.

To buzz out for a while ‘cause I’m losing my balance.