unsure


My heart ….
What’s with you?

I waited for this moment to arrive but why do I feel indifferent?

Gone was the idea of being excited, refreshed, warm and liberating…
Here comes feeling the need to please, to not disappoint, to carry on despite feeling unsure.

Does it mean that I’m feeling pressured?
Because I have been open about it and people just expect me to take it?
And their expectation is putting me on the spot?

I don’t know.
I’m so confused.
There are days when I feel like I need to shut off everything and just be in tune to my own music.
And someone caring for me, letting me know he’s there… sending me messages and even calling me… feels like a responsibility that I need to respond.

I don’t know.
I don’t know why I’m feeling this.
I’m not sure whether I need to carry on entertaining him.

I don’t even dare open up to my closest circle ‘cause it adds more pressure.
I am so unsure. I don’t want them to think how indecisive I am in this aspect.

The rebel in me wants to escape.

To buzz out for a while ‘cause I’m losing my balance.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Love you to the heavens

Image
You never realize how much you’ll miss someone until you think about how they wouldn’t be there with you physically, ever. It’s so easy to say that death is a part of life but when that happens, you couldn’t find any motivation for reason not to feel unsettled. Today, July 8 (Monday) at 7 am PST, I received an unsettling message from Papa that Nanay is gone. I called Mama and she confirmed. I went ahead with my regular Monday meetings. Acted as if nothing MAJOR happened. But shortly after lunch, tears escaped me. I couldn’t shake off the emotion enveloping me. The thing is, I thought I have prepared well enough to accept the inevitable. In my resolve, Nanay had led a good life. In her hey days, she was an activist, an ironwoman, wise beyond her years. When I was 12, Nanay brought me to Butuan with her. From Butuan, we traveled to Bacolod via ferry. It was my first ferry ride ever. We then ended in Cebu. I have very fond memories of Nanay. My cousins would go green with envy, bu...
Read more

Diffi-CULT

Image
“Difficulties strengthen the mind as labor does to the body.” Well, Marcus Aurelius had it figured out, I thought. When you think of it that way, it makes difficulties a powerful ingredient for growth. It creates a compartment somewhere inside you that makes you feel kind of normal. Who does not go through difficult times, right? Difficulties are like a vortex of darkness. You get sucked into that tunnel. You try to rationalize things, but negative feelings pile up one against the other. When that happens, you get swallowed by it. You feel trapped and hopeless. In mine, I always feel like I am trying too hard for nothing. I feel injustice. I feel as though I get to bear the brunt of things. It is both a curse and a blessing to do it solo. Curse because I get to feel like everything is a one-man show. Blessing because it makes me mentally stronger. Like what is there to lose other than a mouth (my mouth) unfed? A few years ago, I had an economic difficulty. It was difficult to m...
Read more

how to get a band score 6 and up without a review center

Image
HOW TO GET A BAND 6 and UP IN IELTS WITHOUT HAVING TO ENROL IN A REVIEW CENTER? What is IELTS? According to this site : The International English Language Testing System (IELTS) measures the language proficiency of people who want to study or work where English is used as a language of communication. It uses a nine-band scale to clearly identify levels of proficiency, from non-user (band score 1) through to expert (band score 9). TEST FORMAT There are two types of IELTS. Academic or General Training. Listening and Speaking are the same for both tests, but for Reading and Writing sections, the subject matter is different depending on which test you take. The total test time is 2 hours and 45 minutes. The details description of the test format is found here . I did a GENERAL TRAINING IELTS exam. I registered for IELTS via IDP online. STEP 1: You have to register in this site. Please note you need to upload a valid ID (e.g. pass...
Read more