i passed!

Yayyy!! I passed!

It is one of the sweetest wins ever!

2019 has been full of twists and turns. I know I should not focus on the negative but what’s more notable in 2019 is the major rejections and denials that I faced. For the first time in my life, I doubted whether I am lucky, when I have been convinced that I was before the big denial happened.

No matter how I try to deny it, that rejection has been a turning point. It made me look at my life and reevaluate my choices. It even made me beat myself into thinking, I am being punished.

I have been quite confident in all the risks I have taken because I feel that, somehow, I will have to manage. But the rejection made me second guess myself. Am I capable? Am I doing it right? Is this okay? It made me doubt what I knew and made me feel like between 0 to 0.1 anything can happen that I can never control.

The IELTS exam was truly nerve-wracking. That train of thought, into not having the control made it worst. It made me extra nervous about passing the exam.

My friends told me, “you can do it!” and I know in my heart that I can but still… because almost all my plans have not been successful, one by one, the aspects of my life have been halted. It’s like ground zero where when a bad thing happens, I sigh and think “well played life, well played. I did not expect but I am not surprised.”

A series of disappointments made me feel numb. What’s one disappointment more?

It made me think about this year as a year of turbulence. A year when my life has been split into so many angles, dislocated, misshaped.

But then, it also made me think about hope. It made me turn to God hoping he’s doing this reshaping of my life as a remodeling, a renovation, a special process to make me more beautiful. Molded to his perfect cast.

Through passing IELTS, I was given the courage, the will, the vigor to keep going. I have holed myself to the unfortunate events that befell me but I am reminded once again that tough times never last.

Hooray to new beginnings!