temptation

Temptation.

This word does not cover all the opportunities for shopping and the must-have things I’m dying to buy. This is not about the trips here and there that I’m waiting to have my tickets paid for and surely, this is not about the sumptuous meals I can’t wait to have my teeth on. This will cover lost and recurring letseng pag-ibig.

I have a good friend who told me “I know he’s got a gf but I love him and I want to be with him” and I vehemently replied “there’s no way I’m hearing stuffs like that from you. You, of all people?” I was shaken and did a recall on what we were on our younger days. Gosh I just can’t believe my good friend is willing to be an option rather than a primary reason.

For how can a girl of good values, clean record and coming from a decent, well off family would ever think of just being put in the side while the guy enjoys having his main course? I couldn’t process it. I was disappointed and frustrated. I know her; she’s one of the best girls I ever have.

We cannot predict what happens in the future. We may never say never ‘cause most often than not, the test is just too strong to resist and before we know it, we are doing what we thought would be absurd and a nuisance. Recently, I had a major turbulence.

The moment I learned the fact, I vowed not to talk to him again. To be honest, it hurts me to think that it ended before it even began. To wait for something for so long and end up with nothing. Ouch. That moment, I felt like a paper shattered by water. It seeps in, I still feel complete but the moment I got the idea of it all, I am slowly turning into pieces.

Anyway, it still hurts me to think about it and I cannot dare to share a bit more details. But recently, there has been a twist of events. We talked. Somehow, it made me feel relieved. It’s like a piece of me is brought out from my shell. I cannot change anything about it but I sure can let him know how I felt.

I mean, dati naisip ko it’s better to keep mum about things. I better drown myself with my sorrow ‘cause I know that’s the best thing for me to do. Wala nang magagawa pa whatever I say. But he said it was important that I say something about it. We argued and I admit I’m mistaken. Once and for all, I just want to say things I ought to bury. I know it’s too late but at least for once, I’m exploring myself to be calmer and mature as I ever was.

It shocked me to know about his side. Honestly I don’t know if there’s some truth about him telling me how he really wanted me so bad. If he liked me hard enough, he won’t even get himself a gf right?

Anyway, I’m not the type who wants to be with someone committed. What goes around, comes back around. I don’t want to be involved. I don’t think kaya kong makipagsabayan. It’s just not right. Once I told my other friend “mahirap gawin ang tama, but I need to make things right even though it hurts me”

Temptation.

I’m not being righteous. I’m not a saint at lalong lalo na, I don’t have the patience to endure agonizing relationships-to-be. I may talk to him but that doesn’t mean I will be open to possibilities. Alam mo yung kahit pa gustung gusto mong makasama sya, it’s just not right to follow your will. I want to be happy, the kind of happiness that doesn’t cheat someone or step somebody up just so I can achieve fulfilment. I know I will never be happy with that kind of scenario hanging around my shoulders. I just want to have the right kind of relationship, clean, fun and easy.