ninja

Ayoko ng ganito.

Ayokong para akong kept woman na nakikipagsabayan. Ayokong para akong isa sa mga sapatos na kayang ilagay on the side while you are busy trying out the new ones.

Ang daming mga bagay bagay na gumugulo saking isipan. If you talk to someone you liked from the past, are you an accomplice to his cheating? Of course I don’t mean talk in a friendly way but talk about his feelings, his plans and even his want to be with you… and he’s committed (may gf na)!

Sa totoo lang, ayoko talagang mainvolve. I talked to him because I want to have closure. The kind of peace that would lull me to sleep and not the kind of anger that makes me uneasy and alive during most nights. Ang sagwang pakinggan yung closure kasi never naman naging in a relationship but ganyan pala talaga. Somehow, may mga thoughts at words kang left unsaid nung mga times na pwede mo sanang sabihin. And now that things have changed mahirap ng ilabas sa bibig ‘cause it might stir a lot of emotions especially now that he’s in a relationship with somebody else.

I feel so weird sometimes kasi parang ang gaan ng feeling, it’s like I’ve accepted na the fact that we aren’t meant to be together but minsan I get so sad to think about how it failed. I decided not to communicate kasi nga ayokong maging third wheel. Di ko deserve.

But you manage to encourage me to say what I really feel. You managed to let me open up a bit from myself. I’m not usually chatty with my deepest emotions. I’m just comfortable with keeping it myself and not giving any trace of pain that I’m going through to anyone. But since I’m a bit older, might as well, try to spill some of the beans.

Yes, I got hurt because I thought I reserved myself to someone who’ll wait for me. And for the first time in so many years, I liked someone who likes me back. I hold it in my heart to find comfort in your words. The moment I come home, I know I have someone who’ll be with me. I imagined, I made plans with you. I think of you every single day and longed to be with you soon. But all went black. You are with somebody else now. How am I supposed to feel? To react?

And you asked why only now that I got to say those things to you? Pride you say? I say… you’re an idiot. How stupid can you be not to get my signs? Or baka excuse mo lang to so you can blame me?

I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to cry a hundred times for spilled milk that wasn’t even mine. I can’t keep up with all the flirting (if yun lang purpose mo). I can’t compete to being popular with so many of the opposite sex. I am a lousy subject. And worst, don’t think as if you can bag me side by side with your gf. It won’t happen.

If truth be told, I think I’ve got more class and finesse just to be an option. Di bagay. I always tell myself that I am better off with someone more easygoing, yung di kagaya ng weirdness ko. I don’t think I need someone whose words aren’t kept. At di sa nagbubuhat ng bangko, but I’ve got more value.

Ayoko ng ganito. Please stop making false pretenses and let me live like I used to. I’m sane enough to accept things and leave it as it is. Kahit nasasaktan, I know it’ll all pass. And by the way, NINJA is my last name!