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Lucky Me.

In both the fiscal and Chinese new year, I followed my horoscope to wear something that should make me lucky this year and guess what, first quarter of the year, my boat has been rocked again. Am I lucky? Ugh.

Career-wise, I’m not doing well. It’s like being in a 1/8 submerged ship and any moment, I’ll be sinking my way down to the bottom of the ocean. Am I exaggerating? Apparently no. I feel so constricted that there is no time to joke about this.

So I made up my mind to finally leave the ship and find my way through my small boat. It’s now or never. Here I am again, leaping for the unknown. And seriously, it scares the hell lot of me, but there’s no other way but to test the waters myself. I’d close my eyes and hold on to the thought of my salvation, no matter how hard it is.

Of course my mom has been my major concern; her thoughts are leaning towards me being unstable and all that represents one being down the drain. I have thought about it too but really, me staying is like me putting myself to eternal hell. I feel hell already and there’s no way I’d tolerate myself from feeling this way. It’s time to change.

Gladly, my sister has been supportive of my decision. I know she worries about me too but really, I appreciate that she thought of my feelings first rather than the need to put something on the table. ‘Cause seriously I don’t need anymore negativity. I’m done with it.

I do not want to cry for the same reason again and again. Obviously, it is becoming a cycle that I am getting rid of this year. I am so exhausted to think that every year; I’d go through the same loop and should manage to cross the burning loop unscathed. I feel like I have to prove myself over and over again when I know what I am worth. It’s a game I am afraid I’m very bored at.

Now, no matter how shaky my feet are or how my mind can change from no to yes in staying, I have found the courage to just let it go. This is a time of my life where I just want to be steady. I feel that I pushed too much buttons and there’s no other button left but the eject one. I just don’t want to be trapped in the same situation where I feel as though I am an underdog, where everything I do is about someone’s approval or worse, someone’s mercy. It’s just not the way to live.

And when I think about it, I feel relieved. I feel as though I am born again, to have a second chance, to renew myself, to try new things, to experience bliss and not having to worry about tomorrow. Aaah I missed it.

Am I lucky? Perhaps.

crappy me

The funny thing about being in a painful ordeal is that you look exactly okay.

I have read a novel in which the lady character was an ex- battered girlfriend. She may not have visible cuts or bruises because her seasoned abuser is too smart to know where to plant it to hide it from prying eyes but when she speaks, she speaks that of a broken soul, someone who’s been through the rough, used to it and would be surprised if the good comes in.

I know how she feels now.

How weird it is to stress yourself up to your thoughts of pain and hardships, not falling asleep easily because it bothers you yet, you look fine, and you grew accustomed to the feeling that the blow is not as intense as it was back then.

You’d be surprised but the endurance you now have. You accept how crappy this life is and how bad you are at improving things, so you just let it go.

Perhaps, I was able to reach my saturation point. That extent wherein I feel the same, NUMB. The pain and the hurtful ensembles do not equate to the end of the world anymore. I feel I should care less.

I used to be in a position wherein I do struggle to take control, to have dominion over the situation or be my best self in facing the unprecedented. Now, I feel like I am coming off the throne, I am facing the battle; my shield is not as intensive as it was back then. I am just coming off as ME. Whatever you throw at me, I dodge, if I shall be hit, then that’s just about it, I AM HIT. IT HURTS. I am my crappy self.

Being in an issue is always a turning point in my life. I hate to be put in a hot seat with glaring eyes trying to get something out from me. I hate to be the one who does a lot of explaining. I hate to be talked about. I hate that I will have to hide even if I didn’t do anything wrong or if I did, don’t I deserve a second chance? I do hate all that. Who doesn’t?

But at this point in my life, I am proud to be in a position where I can accept my mistakes, learn from them and just continue to seek out the best things in this life. I am stronger than I was yesterday. All the things hurled at me, all the sacrifices, all the obstacles, it’s clear that I am a diamond in the rough.

I no longer have to fight over my worth because I know what I’m made of. I don’t know what my other potentials are but I know I am capable of something if I only put my heart into it.

Being battered by fate and all that comes along with independence is a reality that pushed me to be better. To be dynamic, to know when to fight and to know when to back away. I am me. I am crappy. I can be selfish. I can be immature. I can be childish.

But we don’t live in a world where we just continue to live because we pretend being who we are not. We live in a world where we should accept who we are and still continue to see that bright white light that guides us to be who we ought to be. 

saving private miss

I can’t help myself but dwell in self-pity.

My goodness! Why, because I made a mistake and I am paying dearly for it.

Seriously, all the hard work and sacrifices do not amount to anything but punishment.

I feel that I am sucking at this big time.

It’s all coming back to me, those days when I feel I tried hard enough but still ends up not chosen.

I seriously hate the feeling. It makes me feel worthless.

To prove myself? Seriously?!

I get that the heavens are conspiring with my stars to let me realize that I need to put a stop at things.

I get too scared with the future but what is there to be scared about when I already have enough?

I used to think that the more you make yourself used to the hurt and pains, it will be used to you and it repels itself away from you. But why? Why do I feel that they love me more and more and I feel so unfortunate!

Why can’t I stay lay low? I just want a peaceful, steady life, is it too much to ask? It hurts me that I am doing my best and yet, I have to prove myself more? Seriously?!

I know I am no good at being patient. The words coming out from my mouth may be different from what I do, but now, I am proving my point that I need to stand up for myself and just stay as far away from those who hurt me.

I will not fight. I will just succumb to self-pity, agonizing blow in my ego that cripples me and my esteem.

I choose to stop feeling all martyr and do something.

My eyes are blinded by tears and my heart is too tired for this. I cannot take this! This is gonna be the last time that I am giving into this.

I will not succumb to failure just because I want to keep quiet. I bet, this whole experience teaches me not only about humility and self sacrifice but loving one’s self to the point of saving her.

I guess, it’s now time to save her even if it means saying goodbye to the second home that I grew accustomed to. If I won’t do it, No other person would.

passivity

Calling it quits.

Seriously, I’ve been through this phase a hundred times and I am getting bored with it. The cycle goes on and on, it’s tiring. I’m getting really impatient. Kapuy.

It’s like an inner virus, panning you out, you look fine but you don’t feel fine.

Not that I am complaining but I feel very blessed to be where I am right now. I am happy that I have been able to reach some of my dreams and that I have made an effort in chasing them. Real time. It was never easy, I was one of those who had the guts to do it then, but now, as I look back, I don’t think I’d ever have the courage to just leave home and create a brand new life somewhere else. It’s a BIG RISK.  Age. It matters after all.

In a year, I’d have so many harsh winds and storms, I even hit a tsunami. ON MY OWN. Every time, I’d grow depressed and stressed. I keep it in, It’s just too uncomforting to share to everyone since I know they’ve got burdens of their own too. I am that. I keep it to myself, I slowly wither and when I reach a point of surrender, a new hope dawns on me, some real and some, well, I just pretend that it happened so I feel quite light about what I am going through.

Again, I am tested. It takes a lot of patience not to scream at someone and still remain calm and composed. It takes a lot of control. You just don’t go out there and yell at someone who blocks your way. That’s not how things should be done. Sometimes, I do feel that I am suppressing a lot of things when really, it is normal to go through that. I am in a crisis where my enemy is no one but myself, again.

The worst thing of it all is my inability to defend myself. What the heck is wrong with me?! I can defend a good friend, a bullied kid or even go point-per-point, me against a whole team, I don’t care. I can do that. but when it comes to myself, I just keep still. I accept attacks. I keep quiet. I do think I am a lunatic. I hate myself.

I hate blame game. If there’s one thing I am sure of, it is that I hate blames. I used to be surrounded by people who do not accept their faults. They go all aggressive and when shit happens, the pointing fingers are everywhere. I promised myself not to be like them. I am a better version of myself. One who saw that blaming is never an art, it is a mental disease of the low self-esteemed.

When shit happens and I am involved, I do acknowledge my fault, it is good right? However, what if in a group, everyone says NO and you are the only one who says YES? You are indicted, ridiculed and condemned, only you, because it is only you who accepted the error. Mga liar kayo!

I do believe that when you stay true, regardless of whether the truth comes out or not, your spirit is clean, your conscience is freed, even if it means accepting all the pointing daggers. I am no saint. I am a sinner. Sometimes, things just get out of hand and there’s no way to salvage what is to be salvaged. I guess it’s time to learn how to remain calm, to not struggle, to not try too hard, to not fight back, to not go against the tide, instead, to remain still, listen, and perhaps, accept whatever the consequence is.

Am I passive? Maybe. I am reaching a point wherein I just want to be in the air. And when I think about what I want, I just want to live a simple, quiet but rich life. Something that when you look back, you will be surprised at how tranquil, serene but deep your connections are—a solid connection with God, family and your most trusted friends.