prexypinoy to the world

Lucky Me. In both the fiscal and Chinese new year, I followed my horoscope to wear something that should make me lucky this year and guess what, first quarter of the year, my boat has been rocked again. Am I lucky? Ugh. Career-wise, I’m not doing well. It’s like being in a 1/8 submerged ship and any moment, I’ll be sinking my way down to the bottom of the ocean. Am I exaggerating? Apparently no. I feel so constricted that there is no time to joke about this. So I made up my mind to finally leave the ship and find my way through my small boat. It’s now or never. Here I am again, leaping for the unknown. And seriously, it scares the hell lot of me, but there’s no other way but to test the waters myself. I’d close my eyes and hold on to the thought of my salvation, no matter how hard it is. Of course my mom has been my major concern; her thoughts are leaning towards me being unstable and all that represents one being down the drain. I have thought about it too but really,...

The funny thing about being in a painful ordeal is that you look exactly okay. I have read a novel in which the lady character was an ex- battered girlfriend. She may not have visible cuts or bruises because her seasoned abuser is too smart to know where to plant it to hide it from prying eyes but when she speaks, she speaks that of a broken soul, someone who’s been through the rough, used to it and would be surprised if the good comes in. I know how she feels now. How weird it is to stress yourself up to your thoughts of pain and hardships, not falling asleep easily because it bothers you yet, you look fine, and you grew accustomed to the feeling that the blow is not as intense as it was back then. You’d be surprised but the endurance you now have. You accept how crappy this life is and how bad you are at improving things, so you just let it go. Perhaps, I was able to reach my saturation point. That extent wherein I feel the same, NUMB. The pain and the hurtful en...

I can’t help myself but dwell in self-pity. My goodness! Why, because I made a mistake and I am paying dearly for it. Seriously, all the hard work and sacrifices do not amount to anything but punishment. I feel that I am sucking at this big time. It’s all coming back to me, those days when I feel I tried hard enough but still ends up not chosen. I seriously hate the feeling. It makes me feel worthless. To prove myself? Seriously?! I get that the heavens are conspiring with my stars to let me realize that I need to put a stop at things. I get too scared with the future but what is there to be scared about when I already have enough? I used to think that the more you make yourself used to the hurt and pains, it will be used to you and it repels itself away from you. But why? Why do I feel that they love me more and more and I feel so unfortunate! Why can’t I stay lay low? I just want a peaceful, steady life, is it too much to ask? It hurts me that I am doin...

Calling it quits. Seriously, I’ve been through this phase a hundred times and I am getting bored with it. The cycle goes on and on, it’s tiring. I’m getting really impatient. Kapuy. It’s like an inner virus, panning you out, you look fine but you don’t feel fine. Not that I am complaining but I feel very blessed to be where I am right now. I am happy that I have been able to reach some of my dreams and that I have made an effort in chasing them. Real time. It was never easy, I was one of those who had the guts to do it then, but now, as I look back, I don’t think I’d ever have the courage to just leave home and create a brand new life somewhere else. It’s a BIG RISK.  Age. It matters after all. In a year, I’d have so many harsh winds and storms, I even hit a tsunami. ON MY OWN. Every time, I’d grow depressed and stressed. I keep it in, It’s just too uncomforting to share to everyone since I know they’ve got burdens of their own too. I am that. I keep it to myself, ...