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Lucky Me.

In both the fiscal and Chinese new year, I followed my horoscope to wear something that should make me lucky this year and guess what, first quarter of the year, my boat has been rocked again. Am I lucky? Ugh.

Career-wise, I’m not doing well. It’s like being in a 1/8 submerged ship and any moment, I’ll be sinking my way down to the bottom of the ocean. Am I exaggerating? Apparently no. I feel so constricted that there is no time to joke about this.

So I made up my mind to finally leave the ship and find my way through my small boat. It’s now or never. Here I am again, leaping for the unknown. And seriously, it scares the hell lot of me, but there’s no other way but to test the waters myself. I’d close my eyes and hold on to the thought of my salvation, no matter how hard it is.

Of course my mom has been my major concern; her thoughts are leaning towards me being unstable and all that represents one being down the drain. I have thought about it too but really, me staying is like me putting myself to eternal hell. I feel hell already and there’s no way I’d tolerate myself from feeling this way. It’s time to change.

Gladly, my sister has been supportive of my decision. I know she worries about me too but really, I appreciate that she thought of my feelings first rather than the need to put something on the table. ‘Cause seriously I don’t need anymore negativity. I’m done with it.

I do not want to cry for the same reason again and again. Obviously, it is becoming a cycle that I am getting rid of this year. I am so exhausted to think that every year; I’d go through the same loop and should manage to cross the burning loop unscathed. I feel like I have to prove myself over and over again when I know what I am worth. It’s a game I am afraid I’m very bored at.

Now, no matter how shaky my feet are or how my mind can change from no to yes in staying, I have found the courage to just let it go. This is a time of my life where I just want to be steady. I feel that I pushed too much buttons and there’s no other button left but the eject one. I just don’t want to be trapped in the same situation where I feel as though I am an underdog, where everything I do is about someone’s approval or worse, someone’s mercy. It’s just not the way to live.

And when I think about it, I feel relieved. I feel as though I am born again, to have a second chance, to renew myself, to try new things, to experience bliss and not having to worry about tomorrow. Aaah I missed it.

Am I lucky? Perhaps.