passivity

Calling it quits.

Seriously, I’ve been through this phase a hundred times and I am getting bored with it. The cycle goes on and on, it’s tiring. I’m getting really impatient. Kapuy.

It’s like an inner virus, panning you out, you look fine but you don’t feel fine.

Not that I am complaining but I feel very blessed to be where I am right now. I am happy that I have been able to reach some of my dreams and that I have made an effort in chasing them. Real time. It was never easy, I was one of those who had the guts to do it then, but now, as I look back, I don’t think I’d ever have the courage to just leave home and create a brand new life somewhere else. It’s a BIG RISK.  Age. It matters after all.

In a year, I’d have so many harsh winds and storms, I even hit a tsunami. ON MY OWN. Every time, I’d grow depressed and stressed. I keep it in, It’s just too uncomforting to share to everyone since I know they’ve got burdens of their own too. I am that. I keep it to myself, I slowly wither and when I reach a point of surrender, a new hope dawns on me, some real and some, well, I just pretend that it happened so I feel quite light about what I am going through.

Again, I am tested. It takes a lot of patience not to scream at someone and still remain calm and composed. It takes a lot of control. You just don’t go out there and yell at someone who blocks your way. That’s not how things should be done. Sometimes, I do feel that I am suppressing a lot of things when really, it is normal to go through that. I am in a crisis where my enemy is no one but myself, again.

The worst thing of it all is my inability to defend myself. What the heck is wrong with me?! I can defend a good friend, a bullied kid or even go point-per-point, me against a whole team, I don’t care. I can do that. but when it comes to myself, I just keep still. I accept attacks. I keep quiet. I do think I am a lunatic. I hate myself.

I hate blame game. If there’s one thing I am sure of, it is that I hate blames. I used to be surrounded by people who do not accept their faults. They go all aggressive and when shit happens, the pointing fingers are everywhere. I promised myself not to be like them. I am a better version of myself. One who saw that blaming is never an art, it is a mental disease of the low self-esteemed.

When shit happens and I am involved, I do acknowledge my fault, it is good right? However, what if in a group, everyone says NO and you are the only one who says YES? You are indicted, ridiculed and condemned, only you, because it is only you who accepted the error. Mga liar kayo!

I do believe that when you stay true, regardless of whether the truth comes out or not, your spirit is clean, your conscience is freed, even if it means accepting all the pointing daggers. I am no saint. I am a sinner. Sometimes, things just get out of hand and there’s no way to salvage what is to be salvaged. I guess it’s time to learn how to remain calm, to not struggle, to not try too hard, to not fight back, to not go against the tide, instead, to remain still, listen, and perhaps, accept whatever the consequence is.

Am I passive? Maybe. I am reaching a point wherein I just want to be in the air. And when I think about what I want, I just want to live a simple, quiet but rich life. Something that when you look back, you will be surprised at how tranquil, serene but deep your connections are—a solid connection with God, family and your most trusted friends.