crappy me

The funny thing about being in a painful ordeal is that you look exactly okay.

I have read a novel in which the lady character was an ex- battered girlfriend. She may not have visible cuts or bruises because her seasoned abuser is too smart to know where to plant it to hide it from prying eyes but when she speaks, she speaks that of a broken soul, someone who’s been through the rough, used to it and would be surprised if the good comes in.

I know how she feels now.

How weird it is to stress yourself up to your thoughts of pain and hardships, not falling asleep easily because it bothers you yet, you look fine, and you grew accustomed to the feeling that the blow is not as intense as it was back then.

You’d be surprised but the endurance you now have. You accept how crappy this life is and how bad you are at improving things, so you just let it go.

Perhaps, I was able to reach my saturation point. That extent wherein I feel the same, NUMB. The pain and the hurtful ensembles do not equate to the end of the world anymore. I feel I should care less.

I used to be in a position wherein I do struggle to take control, to have dominion over the situation or be my best self in facing the unprecedented. Now, I feel like I am coming off the throne, I am facing the battle; my shield is not as intensive as it was back then. I am just coming off as ME. Whatever you throw at me, I dodge, if I shall be hit, then that’s just about it, I AM HIT. IT HURTS. I am my crappy self.

Being in an issue is always a turning point in my life. I hate to be put in a hot seat with glaring eyes trying to get something out from me. I hate to be the one who does a lot of explaining. I hate to be talked about. I hate that I will have to hide even if I didn’t do anything wrong or if I did, don’t I deserve a second chance? I do hate all that. Who doesn’t?

But at this point in my life, I am proud to be in a position where I can accept my mistakes, learn from them and just continue to seek out the best things in this life. I am stronger than I was yesterday. All the things hurled at me, all the sacrifices, all the obstacles, it’s clear that I am a diamond in the rough.

I no longer have to fight over my worth because I know what I’m made of. I don’t know what my other potentials are but I know I am capable of something if I only put my heart into it.

Being battered by fate and all that comes along with independence is a reality that pushed me to be better. To be dynamic, to know when to fight and to know when to back away. I am me. I am crappy. I can be selfish. I can be immature. I can be childish.

But we don’t live in a world where we just continue to live because we pretend being who we are not. We live in a world where we should accept who we are and still continue to see that bright white light that guides us to be who we ought to be.