sixty

This is the time of my life wherein I can do the things I want,  go to places I've always dreamed of going, meet new people and yes, pursue some of my passion.

I have always been passionate about arts and I always wanted to paint. I have been passionate about travels and wanted to explore more in Asia and someday, Europe. Who knows right? But lately, I have been passionate about good food… food that I dare not waste by not eating it in full. Let's say, a plateful of baby back ribs…

When I was younger, when I order something and feel that I am already full. I set it aside. Not minding if I wasted food. Nowadays, I always feel hesitant to waste it. Why, I am buying it and earning is a lot of hard work and sacrifice.

My appetite has gone doubled and so is my weight. I used to think that among my family, I am the chosen one. I'd be the slim type, the belly-free family member. But who am I kidding?  I am now standing side by side my sister (who's a mother of two by the way) with a minimal variance in weight. And I am getting too much teasing, I'm very much single but I am weighing like a mother of 2 already! Ngaaaakkkk

Just recently, I have bumped into a friend. The last time we met, she was doubled but seeing her again, wow! She's becoming rather slim. I am envious. I asked her the secret, she just mentioned RUNNING! So then, I made up my mind to run as often as I can. Let's hit the gym and be serious about it!

Yeah yeah, I get it, it's rather easy to say than do! It was never my concern, the diet and getting physical thing but the more I grow older, my Gosh! It's taking so much of my thoughts. I believe that slow metabolism really hits you when you seem rather vulnerable. Ugh.

Anyway, I really wish to run three times a week, let's do it and it's not just doing it… I should do it religiously! Wish me luck! 60? Let's hit 55 and it's gonna be perfect!

Until then.

Sumesexy,

living

Whew!

One week is super fast!

Just got back from my weeklong vacation back home. And I realized so many things…

1)      I am not 24 anymore.

As much as I’d like to deny my being in the late 20s and make believe that my age is still where I left it 3 years ago, being home emphasized that I am no longer that young. There are “new breeds”. I went to the mall and sit nonchalantly at a fast-food with clear glass windows… I took time to notice… I saw myself in ladies wearing uniforms, eating and chatting excitedly. You know what, I used to be like that, meeting the same person, talking like there’s no tomorrow. Haha

2)      I need to level up.

As much as I like being in control with the things that I am surrounded by right now, I am not that fulfilled yet. In fact, I feel there is something lacking. I am half empty more than feeling half-full. I feel that there is more to life than living everyday with work as my constant thought-stealer!

3)      I need to make up my mind.

What do I love doing? What are my interests? I need to have a concrete idea of where I will be going. It is time to make up my mind on how I see myself 3 years from now,  being 30 is something I am anxious about. I need to feel stability.

4)      I need to be happy.

Happiness is a choice. What I do, where I am, happiness streams from feeling it within. It should not be based on my bank account or my back up plans or even my company. I love myself and it’s kind of a good thing.

5)      I need to be in love.

This is not limited to a person but in life in general. The only way to keep going is to love what you do and love the people around you and love YOURSELF. There is no bigger glory than being on the same team with people who mean the most to you and there is no bigger success than loving the person that you are more than attempting to sabotage yourself.

Truly, it was a delightful weekend of self-discovery. My biggest goal in going home is to reunite people. Glad, I am reunited with my family and happy that I have been able to be part of reuniting clashing friends.

In this life, we are given tasks, in this life; we don’t always get what we deserve. In this life, we may feel unfairly treated and worse, bullied for the wrong reasons. But you know what, life is never exciting if we always acknowledge only the victories that comes along each fight, it is much more colourful to add the struggles and strategies that we employ to achieve those triumphs.

I can always complain about my struggles, I am not exempted. But as time goes by, I know that I will be proud to acknowledge that I have been through a lot to get to where I am. That alone, is what makes me an active participant more than a spectator of what we call as “living”.

bisdak

I am proud to be.

Truth is… I never really knew my words were too deep a bisaya for Davao. I’d often get my friends who’d laugh at me for the terms I use which they think are way too bisaya.

For generation Y in Davao, which includes perhaps the 80s kids and onwards, Bisaya is more of the TAGBIS (tagalog-bisaya). Phrases like: “magbili tayo nyan ba!” or “maglagot gyud ako sa teacher namin ba” are very common.

Although growing up, most of my classmates are pure bisaya (not a hint of tagalog unless we’d make pasosyal at school) it was a transition when I went to college. I’ve got classmates who came from other regions who speak tagalog, I’ve got friends who simply are tag-bis at home. Of course, my ears would go extra attentive when I hear, “magpunta tayo sa mall” or “lain ka man uy, di ka man nagsaba!” seriously! I had a fun time listening to all these blabbering but as time goes by, parang naanad na talaga ako ba! Blame it on the household!

Our homes and the people around us influence our speech, the way we talk, we react. It’s normal.

I’d speak the term “ningutngot” “niung-ong” “nisirit” “hunos” “tungol” amongst the few and my friends would say “what?” in chorus. I don’t know, I’ve encountered so many bisaya words in my lifetime. Not that I’ve lived in Cebu but I heard so many stories, read so many notes and even witnessed my sister’s visayan local tv drama at one point (ANG SILINGAN, abscbn regional, wayback 1999?)  All these influenced my bisaya speech… perhaps I am 95% fluent than most of my friends, Why, it’s my mother tongue! (or mother’s tongue? Literally!)

But among the influences that I’ve encountered early on, the one thing that stood out is the RADIO!

While most of the kids during my primary grade would succumb to watching tv all day, I’ve no choice but to listen to the radio. And not just any radio, it’s a transistor for fudge sake! The ones used by grandmothers for their daily dose of AM broadcast. Basta RADYO,  Bombo! 

You see, it’s not that I love listening to the radio (maybe if it’s ole funky music) but I am FORCED to listen because my mom would wage war if the radio will be switched off. She’s a fan of no other than DRA AND ABOGADA LOURDES LIBRES ROSARUSO. (whew! Such a long title and name for a person) She’s, yeah, a doctor and a lawyer in one. Her program usually would start with an introduction of the letter sender, re-enactment (errr rehearing) of the problem then lastly, her advice. Problems would of course be pivoting around the orbit of health and legalities. She was my mom’s idol and believe me when I tell you that… I received a lot of spanking because I switched the channel to an FM radio while this program is airing! 

But before this program, May mga drama pa, perhaps 2 to 3 and she’d listen to it all. Words like, “Lavinia, gihigugma kayo tika, hinaut nga di gayud ako nimu pakyasun” and lavinia would say “Ben, aduna nay nanag iya aning akong kasingkasing. Dako akong pagmahay nga karun lang tika nakaila.” Then Ben would say “kung mao, mas maayo pa nga mawagtang nalang ko aning kalibutana!... muambak ko.. ingun ni ini… pooooooooooom!” Lavinia would say “Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen, pasayloa ko! huhuhu”

Believe me; I’ve listened to dozens and dozens all through out the years, from teban to raminee ang batang bronsi. I’ve resisted listening and sulking at my room, but what to do, the only sense that cannot be covered is the sense of hearing, unless there are barriers of space. What’s the point of resisting when you can hear it anyway? So there, I slowly learned to enjoy the dynamics of these dramas.

And the more I listen to it, the more words I’ve absorbed. The more I listen, the wider my imagination became. It wouldn’t be effective if you won’t be able to visualize a scenario. For example, the hero Raminee would go to the hill then shout “ako si raminee and batang bronzi” then he will transform to a superhero. I can imagine a hill because of the echo… raminee eee eee batang bronzeee eee eee. 

One time, I was telling my friends about raminee and they were like, “what? Where did you get that?” they died laughing when I told them, he’s a superhero sa radyo then I said, oh he was famous, his name is RANISI! Then the cab driver joined in and said “si Raminee to uy!” see? It’s just not me. 

My sister and I have grandest times when we try to re-enact a drama. She’d say, “misubra na gayud ka kabakakon, sagpaon tika ingun niini..paaak!” and I’d say “agay! Nasakitan ko, namula ang akong mga aping dili ko musugot nga di gayud ako makabalos, maong sipaon tika, ingun niini.. baaaaaaaaaaag!” ahaahha you know, for the heck of it. Our childhood may be a lot weirder than most, but we’re cool that way. Haha

Needless to say, We are bisaya because we’ve been exposed to so many visayan materials. Yes, I can write a Filipino article in a proper fashion but I still find it hard to speak as fluent as possible. While my friends and people around me may sometimes laugh too hard to offend, it’s okay. My bisaya is actually a reminder of a very colourful childhood, one that I am proud of and one that I’ll have so many fun memories to speak of.

I am BISDAK! And I am proud of it. 

neighbours

Priorities have changed…

I found myself googling the term “davao city properties” and browsed through lots and lots of pictures of houses and lots with six zeroes attached in the tag.

My goodness! How can I ever afford a 2M house and lot, 200 sq m located along bo. Pampanga? Or yes, the 5M h&l along buhangin? I know for sure, I don’t have the money for it. Mentally computing to resell my current assets, it’s still so short, bisag apil pa lawas, ma hurt rako kung hangyuon pa! HAHA

My biggest goal to date is to buy a property, preferably just near downtown. I would love to have a residence maybe in el rio, hillside, fortune and those familiar subdivisions just near our current place.

I’d die working and I still would not be able to afford 12M H&L in Insular, Woodridge or Robinsons. It would be too much of a dream to own a place in those exclusive subd. Don’t get me wrong; as much as I’d want to live in any of those, I know it’s not the reality for me. not YET.

My priority is to move out from our village. Why, because I feel that it’s too crowded and yes, my taste has changed. I want a more peaceful, stable and controlled environment. Although I’ve lived there all my life, I really don’t think it’s apt for my future kids to live in such place with the conditions and feeds that I am currently getting from folks.

The only thing that I love about our community is my childhood friends. Those people who saw my evolution during the sip-onon days haha. I really treasure my neighbors who are knitted together and feels like family.

I remember when Christmas is coming, we’d be busy fixing up our tansans and alambre, drum or gallon as our instruments and we’d sing our hearts out even if it meant being told, “wala pay pasko!” haha

I love the fact that I have experience that and so many fun memories all because… I live there.

BUT as I live then… I also knew facts: I knew neighbours who have nothing to eat or are battered or are drug users. I saw the rugged side of life as children would run everywhere with thin limbs and big heads, malnutrition. I saw how hard life is hearing stories about not having steady income and accepting labada or children not being able to study because of financial constraints. I saw brothers fighting, couples bickering and people simply, tambay.

I saw life on a raw medium. I saw reality.

While I attended private schools and been with friends and classmates who are in the upper side, I began to compare the two realities.  

I saw my neighbour struggling to make the ends’ meet while I saw my classmate struggling to bring the family back together. I saw my neighbour taking up odd jobs, construction and stuff while I saw my classmate absent for the class but present in Jacinto in her yosi session. I saw my neighbour’s lack of something and my classmate’s perhaps, lack of someone. I cannot weigh the extent of their difficulties.

So then, I realized both realities cannot be quantified. I saw how the two realities are different but the same. I mean, most people do struggle but the degree and aspect differs from each other.

While I get that the community that I grew up in is far from ideal, I am thankful because I have learned at an early age that my eyes should be open.

I just can’t be someone who’s make pakawala because my parents can financially support or because I have this or that. NO. Far from it. At an early age, I saw the cause and effect relationship of life.

What happens when I don’t study well? What happens when I marry young? What happens if I don’t get a job? The answers are given, I’ll look around and I can enumerate perfectly.

The more I mature, the more I desire for a community of my own too. A new home for a new life. I would love to have a say on my own place, own furniture, own space. And as pride would suggest, I really want it to come from my OWN POCKET. It’s something that I would be really proud. Hehe

I hope. I wish and I pray. Soon. Soon. 

limits

Damn you!

Seriously, there’s got to be a way to achieve a level of confidence about being angry.

And believe me when I say that I really don’t have that level of confidence. It’s always retreating to my peaceful rendezvous, where anger, pride and envy do not exist.

I have been a happy child; I don’t get angry easily or maybe, at all. I get pissed, yes, but the degree is little to nothing because I easily forget the reason why I am pissed in the first place. I always keep my cool and maintain a calm outlook because once the damage has been done, it is finished, and you cannot repair it by being vengeful. Karma always finds its way.

Coming to Singapore, it was completely new to me. I seem to get that the people here are more open, more vocal, more expressive about hate. I am not used to telling someone that he did wrong by doing this or that and that he should take the blame for the misdeed. It is completely the opposite. I get it why people become unhappy. It is a struggle to pull yourself together.

Here, when I do wrong, I should be able to know how to shield myself and take the blame. When I make mistake, I feel so stupid for failing. I am afraid to commit mistakes and even more terrified to take the blame. It is a vicious cycle of fear and uneasiness, swallowing you whole making you paranoid and worst, doubt your very self.

My greatest challenge in surviving the ordeals is to know how to express myself. I now get angry, vengeful and even hateful. I cannot contain myself from blaming and I have very minimal patience. Sometimes, I do remind myself that it is totally NOT ME. I am WHO I AM and not what other people expect me to be.

Although I now get angry, I still don’t know how to express it.  I do get frustrated because people around me can always nag me, but when it’s my turn to do so, I just recoil and remain still as if nothing happened, although I can tell, I am burning inside.

This whole experience teaches me so much about myself. It tests me about how well do I react to a certain dilemma, and swear, it is never easy. It’s always a question of letting go and staying. When things turn sour, I always think about my goals and what I want to achieve, and yes, everything has its own time.

I personally believe that when you know yourself and what you are capable, you are confident to challenge yourself to make it to greater heights. Timing is everything. We set a goal and put a time frame or else, we’ll get stuck to a phase forgetting the purpose of the whole journey.

I am holding on to my brand of sanity, and patience… yes, it has its limits.