limits
Damn you!
Seriously, there’s got to be a way to achieve a
level of confidence about being angry.
And believe me when I say that I really don’t have
that level of confidence. It’s always retreating to my peaceful rendezvous,
where anger, pride and envy do not exist.
I have been a happy child; I don’t get angry easily
or maybe, at all. I get pissed, yes, but the degree is little to nothing
because I easily forget the reason why I am pissed in the first place. I always
keep my cool and maintain a calm outlook because once the damage has been done,
it is finished, and you cannot repair it by being vengeful. Karma always finds
its way.
Coming to Singapore
Here, when I do wrong, I should be able to know how
to shield myself and take the blame. When I make mistake, I feel so stupid for
failing. I am afraid to commit mistakes and even more terrified to take the
blame. It is a vicious cycle of fear and uneasiness, swallowing you whole
making you paranoid and worst, doubt your very self.
My greatest challenge in surviving the ordeals is
to know how to express myself. I now get angry, vengeful and even hateful. I
cannot contain myself from blaming and I have very minimal patience. Sometimes,
I do remind myself that it is totally NOT ME. I am WHO I AM and not what other
people expect me to be.
Although I now get angry, I still don’t know how to
express it. I do get frustrated because
people around me can always nag me, but when it’s my turn to do so, I just
recoil and remain still as if nothing happened, although I can tell, I am
burning inside.
This whole experience teaches me so much about
myself. It tests me about how well do I react to a certain dilemma, and swear,
it is never easy. It’s always a question of letting go and staying. When things
turn sour, I always think about my goals and what I want to achieve, and yes,
everything has its own time.
I personally believe that when you know yourself
and what you are capable, you are confident to challenge yourself to make it to
greater heights. Timing is everything. We set a goal and put a time frame or
else, we’ll get stuck to a phase forgetting the purpose of the whole journey.
I am holding on to my brand of sanity, and patience…
yes, it has its limits.
Comments