I’m home
for good.
Or not?
It has been
barely a week and I feel like things have changed. To be honest, it does not
feel home to me NOW.
I have shaken
the feeling of wanting to move out because I want to strengthen my idea that a
Home is not a place but people with whom you feel most secured about. For days,
I have been trying to cope that my house is the same home that I grew up in. It’s
a lot dirtier, narrower, few of the words I can only describe without me
feeling sorry about how it ended up while I was living my life overseas but REALLY,
I can consider the place being stuffy and less pleasing but not the people that
live in it.
It saddens
me to the core that as my parents grew older, they also grew distant. With each
other. My mom blames my dad and my dad, no matter how he wronged, feels
defiant. This cycle goes on and on and I can only sigh in retrospect.
In fact, I
really can’t exactly describe what this kind of relationship is. They are okay
but not Okay. I’ve never been in relationships so I really don’t know the
dynamics BUT one thing’s for sure, if ever I’d marry, I wouldn’t want it to be
like this.
Growing up,
I have witnessed minimal fights and breakdowns and it shaped me to be as happy
as I can be. But at this age and time, what happened? I want to laugh at this
irony. My parents are fighting like they have mastered Lao Tzu’s Act of War. I’m
sure they can even write a book about psychological warfare.
So I have
asked few of my friends and they told me that they too, are in the same boat. I
can only laugh at this predicament. Perhaps it pays that when I was younger I
haven’t really had problems with them this big that my future could be at stake
like those kids who ran away to escape the hell of the home they belonged in.
If there’s any consolation, I appreciate that I am at this age and I am capable
of sustaining my own. I can even fly out to any place with no qualms.
But…
because I am at this age, I want to be adamant to face problems head on and not
escape them. Yes, I do own a travel blog named PREXCAPES and the idea of
escaping being the pivoting point of travels--- in this case, it does not
apply.
Family
problems are common and my family is not an exception. As much as it makes me
real burdened as the main reason is just TOO UNTIMELY, as part of this family,
I feel the need to step up and instead of siding either of my parents, I want
to be that pole that stands in neutral.
I have been
emotional when I dealt this problem year ago and yeah, it affected my mental
state. I started having insomnia, anxiety and depression but because this
problem is recurring, I don’t know what else is there for me to pursue.
I pride
myself as the rational, the less emotional, the less affected and I want to
claim back that level of rationality and calmness that I have been tagged with
when I was younger. While here, I want to just listen what each one has to say
and from there, get the course of action they want to pursue.
I have come
across MARRIAGE GRADUATION and although it seems unreal to me, my parents may
have been into this phase. Being in love, being married for too long, then to getting
tired of each other… I don’t know, should marriage be like that?
I will
never understand the how’s and whys of marriage because I have never been in
one, but one thing’s for sure, there is no glory in hurting each other.
The irony
of life.
Few years
from now, I’d look back to this memory and I don’t want to taste the bitterness
in my mouth but the triumph of overcoming family problems. More than anything I
pray for people to change and they change for the better.
I don’t
know how long I am staying, and it definitely makes me lonely to live alone in
the overseas but while here, I realized I am still on my own. I need to swim
through my 30s thinking positively that this is nothing but temporary and
someday, when the Lord permits, everything will be alright.
Laban
Labli! :D
