laban Labli

I’m home for good.

Or not?

It has been barely a week and I feel like things have changed. To be honest, it does not feel home to me NOW.

I have shaken the feeling of wanting to move out because I want to strengthen my idea that a Home is not a place but people with whom you feel most secured about. For days, I have been trying to cope that my house is the same home that I grew up in. It’s a lot dirtier, narrower, few of the words I can only describe without me feeling sorry about how it ended up while I was living my life overseas but REALLY, I can consider the place being stuffy and less pleasing but not the people that live in it.

It saddens me to the core that as my parents grew older, they also grew distant. With each other. My mom blames my dad and my dad, no matter how he wronged, feels defiant. This cycle goes on and on and I can only sigh in retrospect.  

In fact, I really can’t exactly describe what this kind of relationship is. They are okay but not Okay. I’ve never been in relationships so I really don’t know the dynamics BUT one thing’s for sure, if ever I’d marry, I wouldn’t want it to be like this.

Growing up, I have witnessed minimal fights and breakdowns and it shaped me to be as happy as I can be. But at this age and time, what happened? I want to laugh at this irony. My parents are fighting like they have mastered Lao Tzu’s Act of War. I’m sure they can even write a book about psychological warfare.

So I have asked few of my friends and they told me that they too, are in the same boat. I can only laugh at this predicament. Perhaps it pays that when I was younger I haven’t really had problems with them this big that my future could be at stake like those kids who ran away to escape the hell of the home they belonged in. If there’s any consolation, I appreciate that I am at this age and I am capable of sustaining my own. I can even fly out to any place with no qualms.

But… because I am at this age, I want to be adamant to face problems head on and not escape them. Yes, I do own a travel blog named PREXCAPES and the idea of escaping being the pivoting point of travels--- in this case, it does not apply.

Family problems are common and my family is not an exception. As much as it makes me real burdened as the main reason is just TOO UNTIMELY, as part of this family, I feel the need to step up and instead of siding either of my parents, I want to be that pole that stands in neutral.

I have been emotional when I dealt this problem year ago and yeah, it affected my mental state. I started having insomnia, anxiety and depression but because this problem is recurring, I don’t know what else is there for me to pursue.

I pride myself as the rational, the less emotional, the less affected and I want to claim back that level of rationality and calmness that I have been tagged with when I was younger. While here, I want to just listen what each one has to say and from there, get the course of action they want to pursue.

I have come across MARRIAGE GRADUATION and although it seems unreal to me, my parents may have been into this phase. Being in love, being married for too long, then to getting tired of each other… I don’t know, should marriage be like that?

I will never understand the how’s and whys of marriage because I have never been in one, but one thing’s for sure, there is no glory in hurting each other.

The irony of life.

Few years from now, I’d look back to this memory and I don’t want to taste the bitterness in my mouth but the triumph of overcoming family problems. More than anything I pray for people to change and they change for the better.

I don’t know how long I am staying, and it definitely makes me lonely to live alone in the overseas but while here, I realized I am still on my own. I need to swim through my 30s thinking positively that this is nothing but temporary and someday, when the Lord permits, everything will be alright.

Laban Labli! :D