fire again

Sometimes we cannot really discount our feelings of anxiety. The thought about harsh realities of poverty and degradation is what keeps me uneasy. At times, my thought of being stagnant gets the best of me which will lead me to think about how my luck has been running out these days.

It’s really normal to think about these worries, what’s not normal is investing too much emotions on it as if it’s the truth. Being pessimistic and believing in baseless ideas does not help one bit.

Whenever I face anxiety, I always remind myself that my current position is not my destination. I am reminded not to predetermine my situation because I have a God who loves me and He will never forsake me. When have He ever left me?

I avoided planning for my future because it stresses me out. I spent a year for rest and emptying my mind. It worked fine but as the days go by, I find myself feeling uncomfortable. I feel guilty to afford such a rest when I should double my efforts towards my goals. It made me feel like I am missing out on generating income and investments. As time goes by, I feel uneasy to the fact that I am not earning at all.

I don’t know how to go about living the rest of my days with nothing to do and earning nothing. Although I am lucky to have a family who supported my decision, I feel as though I am abusing their support without a concrete plan of what I will be doing sooner or later. I feel the stress to outdo myself because I need to support them.

Sometimes, I feel as though God has given me this one year to do whatever I want to do because it will be highly strenuous later and for that, I am preparing myself, physically and mentally.

I realized that I was always hesitant to live my life alone because I am too attached to my family. My decisions were always in consideration of my family’s role in my life and being at home for a year made me rethink about my principle.

Wherever I will be in the world, my family will always be my rock. I always denied changes within my family because my memories of my family since childhood are novelty. However, I have to pursue my personal goals without them. I cannot be in the same mindset as having one foot to my goals and having the other back home. I should be in that pursuit in both feet, owning my life and gambling all of me. I cannot be in two boats because I might end up not having any of the boats.

In this regard, I plan to take all the necessary rest and absorb all the lessons that I have learned while here. It’s funny how staying at home woke me back to my reality. It’s funny how it motivates me to do whatever I can. I cannot remain nonchalant nor lax about my goals because truly, nothing will be accomplished.

I always wondered how working overseas has changed me and staying home ignited the fire that died since then. Now, I feel the need to go above and beyond to reach a point in my life when I can say that “I made it”. I will look back on this rest as a necessary process to achieve that point. I will not falter; I will continue to strive.