Faith over fear

“Fear is the absence of faith.”

As the day of leaving nears, I am having mixed emotions. “Is this for me?” “Is this what I want?” “Will it be worth it?” are the questions that I have to deal with on a daily basis. 

I have spent my life savings for this, studied so hard, fought tooth and nail to remain enrolled. To say the least, I have put everything in my power for this goal and redirect my sail to this one objective. My mom keeps on asking me, “Do you have to go?” and when I think about leaving my ageing parents, I can’t help but second guess if it really is the way for me.

The “what ifs” quadruple. 

What if I leave and something happens? What if I leave and experience poverty? What if I don’t achieve what I am hoping for? What if I am pushing myself so hard when I can be content with life as it is?

These what-ifs make me think about what matters. 

This is not the first time that I am leaving. I have spent much of my 20s overseas. Alone. But why does it get harder? 

When asked about a turning point in my life during job interviews early in my career, I can’t think of anything other than graduating college. But with this another adventure, I know for a fact that this is it! This is the greatest turning point because it’s all or nothing.

To say that I am calm and relaxed about this move is a lie. In fact, I am anxious. I am afraid that I’d get the same episodes of depression and loneliness from my previous experience. I learned that as much as I am okay with being alone, I cannot stand being alone for long. That place is too far from home and it scares me to feel so alone in a far away place.

However, I always go back to the beginning of this journey. I declared that when I get an approval, it’s for me and when I don’t, it’s a sign that I’m not meant to be there. I always hold on to this thought. I know it’s worth the shot. More than the finances, I hope to be fulfilled. I hope that when I get to think about this move a few years from now, I’d have a smile on my face because I feared for nothing.

I pray that God continuously steps in and this pursuit, no matter how long and arduous the process is, becomes mine. Mine to be happy about. Mine to be a piece of achievement. Mine to be a testament of God’s unending love and promises.

Fear is the absence of faith. I need to be reminded that whatever happens is already in the lines of my palms.