Snakey

People are not what they seem.

Sadly, it’s a reality that we must deal with, no matter how painful this can get.

My sister always tells me that I am a black-and-white type of person.  I am resolute in thinking just about the two ends. There was no gray area. I used to be so conflicted with the idea of a gray area. What does that mean? Well, she said, I see the world with firmness. I see the world with only two opposing sides, black or white, good, or evil, etc. I have not considered the gradient, the in-betweens, the undefined.

Growing up, I expressed strong opinions, chose between two sides, and settled with one or either side and for that, I got into multiple petty trouble. For the longest time, I have struggled to come to terms with seeing more than I could possibly see, choosing from different spectrums, and possibly settling with the unimaginable. I figured I needed an intervention. And boy, did an intervention come cheap? It did not.

I met with different people and shared various stories. I read numerous articles and tried to learn as much as I could about the world from different perspectives. In a grand display of this desire to learn more, I moved to another country. I lived, worked, and traveled some more. It is in these expeditions that I discovered so much about the world, the people living in it, and especially about myself.

I learned that the gray area comes when people’s words do not match their actions. I learned that even though I am genuine, not everyone shares the same fondness. Some people’s survival strategies involve being sneaky. Nice to your front, terrible to your back. Behind your back, they create stories, opinions, and speculations about you. At first, you laugh because it’s a laughable idea designed to blow your mind. You laugh because you never thought, any sane person would believe them. But the joke’s on you because not everyone is as smart as you are. They believe what is in plain sight. That’s convenient!

People’s opinions can sway your thoughts about yourself. Sure, it makes you doubt who you are and what you can do, but if you see through what’s within, you will realize that opinions, no matter where you are will always follow you. And that’s where they exactly belong, behind you because your goals should be what’s in front of you. In the same regard, people’s opinions can sway how you think about someone else. But I try to give that person the benefit of the doubt. I give that person a chance to prove herself/himself wrong because people’s opinions shouldn’t necessarily be the measure of his/her own humanity.

Situations may instigate different reactions. People whom you regard as comrades, someone you root for because you started together will turn out to be an enemy. Some of your people will be quick to judge, to drop you at their most convenient time. While you act with loyalty, some of them will turn you in for greater profit and personal gain. It will hurt you but know that the problem lies in them, not with you. You can’t do anything about them. You pat yourself; you deserved better.

Feelings go from Yes to absolutely No. Because our minds are wired to think about something in a gazillion ways, sometimes, our feelings get interconnected with it. There’s such a thing as “I don’t hate – HATE you.” From my previous self’s perspective, I’d go nuts, “What is he saying?” But now, I go, “I don’t – DON’T UNDERSTAND” you.  Okay, so you hate me to what extent?” I learned about degrees, clarification, and sublimation before abomination.

You help people who accept help. If a person refuses them, then scoot on. As much as you would like to offer aid to the fullest of your ability, you cannot walk the ends of the Earth for them. You cannot carry all their loads for them. You cannot live their lives for them. You help as much as they allow you to. You should not make them feel invalid.

The most important ally is yourself. What you feed to your soul should be a nourishment, not its cause of decay. Sure, you can have lovers, family, and friends but above everything else, it’s always yourself. You are your priority because you cannot provide aid for others if you also need a rescue. You cannot make someone complete if you feel depleted. You cannot give what you do not have. End of story.

It took me a long time to process where the gray areas lie. It’s an endless process of experiencing it as it comes but I understood what my sister meant. It made me think big. It made me allow room for mistakes. It made me seek less perfection. It helped me understand where I stand and what to expect. And trust me, I went back and forth with my trust issues. It’s still a battle half-won.

But even though I went through them and compartmentalized them, once in a while, I still get disappointed over humanity’s indecisiveness. It’s people’s nature to trust and get betrayed. It’s a vicious cycle. But I always remind myself, I am only responsible for my actions. I may act in complete regard but then again, it’s a lost cause if it’s a “them” over a “me” issue.