oh boy

Perhaps the pain would still be there. Perhaps I need more time. Perhaps it slowly fades. Or perhaps it never happens.

I tried my damn best not to dwell on your memories but the more I push myself in complete oblivion the finer the flashbacks become.  The sooner I forget, the happier I will be. But it’s too much. Too much to take all at once.

The funny part is that, I feel pathetic trying to recount how many moments we’ve shared. I know that the likelihood of feeling stupid get me grinding. Seriously, we don’t have much memories. We never even had enough time to do activities together. We’re like burglars, trying to accomplish something in the dark yet, as foolish as it can be, we haven’t even stole any.

Why am I feeling this way? Fretting over things, acting crazy and feeling damn ashamed to accept that “WE” has never been created, or let alone, pushed forward from the good start that I always thought was the one.

Maybe because for the first time in years, I have never felt “that” alive. I have never felt like I am capable of liking someone after things from the past fall astray. The heart has reasons that even reasons itself cannot understand. I agree. ‘cause no matter how I tried to poison you in my mind, the heart always sees through it, leaving me helpless and lost to the thoughts of you.

Yes, I have murdered you in my mind a couple of times. I even asked opinions from friends and they came in unison, you were never good enough for me and that I deserved more. Right. First few minutes, I am nodding incessantly and in the next 15 minutes more, I know I am fooling myself.

Damn boy. How can I ever get over you? Good thing, I’ve got a façade made of stone. I can always pretend I am so good without you but then again, when the dark nights come and I leave myself alone to empty my mind and get ready for a good night’s sleep, you crawl right back and bite me, giving me the longing and the humungous realm of even more darkness, feeling hollowed and inexorably empty.