Mind over Matter

Mind over matter.

I used to have this power strong in my brains. I can be very rational about things and keep firm despite the corroding emotions. I have strong mental capacity which keeps me cool on days when everyone is freaking out.

As I grew older, I am showing signs of weakness. I go from stable to highly emotional in no time. I’m guessing maybe because of hormones or because I have lived alone.  In being alone, your mind is sometimes filled with crazy stuff. And this stuff keeps on bugging you  until you lose sleep and appetite.

As time pass by, I have observed that I became obsessive. Like an addict dependent on substance to make her calm.

Or like a lion closely monitoring her prey.

I’d go sleepless over thinking about a predicament. I lose concentration over my routine because an idea flashes. I become distracted, unable to process further. I will be brought to a halt, which drives me even crazier.

When this happens, the series of unending thoughts begin. Rushing in like a bolt of lightning, then I become trapped. Trapped in thoughts of my solutions and ending up feeling harassed because no justice has ever been made that satisfies a victim.

These thoughts are hazardous to my existence. It poisons my mind from hatred and revenge to hopelessness.

How do you fight evil or injustice? With our system of law, nothing is really satisfying.

Take for example, the massacre in Maguindanao, was true justice achieved? Even now, there’s nothing really. Who did it? No one gets punished.

My mom always tells me, it is better to live a quiet life, a life of knowing that you did things right. And I have always believed her. When I got bullied in my grade school years, I kept quiet. I never intended to fight anyway because I don’t want a messy life. I just want to live in peace.

I want to stay that way. I have been through so much mess that I kept my side of the bargain, clean. Almost hatingly, quite martyr-ish.

Whenever I am confronted with issues, I try to dock in calmly.

But then again, It had stirred me emotionally. When people berate, beat and harass you in a way that you tell yourself to just let it go and just keep quiet… It accumulates inside. All the hate and pain and the things you want to lash out in defence just bubbles inside you… but you keep still, you know it’ll pass.

Perhaps, the reason why I have something about my heart.

But maybe, I also chose it this way. Keeping quiet and letting it all go. Moving forward…

I have a God. He never failed me.

I always keep that in mind. I chose to.

Mind over matter.